by Sarah Davis, B.BSc, Grad Dip Applied Psychology, Australia
I have had many conversations recently with women about mothering. It has been truly lovely to connect and share openly – learning from each other’s reflections and supporting each other through honesty and inspiration. I find that the more honest I can be about how I have ‘approached’ motherhood, the more awareness I bring to how I have been living as a woman and how my body feels as a result of my choices. Often we share very similar accounts of the demands and ‘exhaustion’ of motherhood, as well as the intense ‘needs’ from our children, partners and society – well, as least that is how the conversation starts. Lately, these conversations have felt truly honest and inspiring as we explore more deeply ourselves as women within this experience and ‘dynamic’ of motherhood; the understanding that is developing is deeply inspiring and loving. Central to this unfolding is a claiming of our responsibility to make self-loving choices, and a commitment to self; basically that the ‘drama of motherhood’ is often a result of our own disregard and lack of self-worth – to the total detriment of our body and quality of relationships we adopt the maxim, the ‘tougher we do it’ the ‘better’ and ‘more committed’ mother we are. Correct?
There has been much open discussion within the Esoteric Women’s community about what it means to truly live as a woman. I personally have felt deeply supported and inspired to build my awareness of how I have been living, to feel my body and re-connect to my true nature as a woman; this has been achieved through attending Esoteric Women’s Presentations held by Natalie Benhayon, as well as healing sessions which include Esoteric Breast Massage and Ovary Massage. I have found the Women in Livingness blog to also present a fantastic forum for sharing our experiences as women, with the opening article by Rebecca Baldwin ‘Modern Woman’ – a product of society or of her own true nature?, setting up the intention of the blog beautifully.
With this level of support I have reflected on my life to develop an understanding of how I too, as a mother, got to this point of exhaustion as the ‘committed mother’. Firstly, I feel this occurred because I actually had no previous ‘marker’ or ‘reference point’ for what it felt to truly be a woman – and so mothering became a ‘false marker’ – that is to say, I ‘put all my balls in the one court’, so to speak. From school, sport, to academia I had lived in a very masculine energy and ‘achieved’ through this. From the moment I became pregnant I felt different – I felt a softness and tenderness in my body; my breasts became larger and I loved the feeling in my body of being more feminine. When pregnant, people and society expect you to slow down – this would have been the first time in my life that I slowed down, it was awesome. Combined with the ‘intimacy’ of breastfeeding, the cuteness of babies and how much they needed me, I became overly identified with this as ‘who I was as a woman’ instead of mothering being another experience of myself as a woman – as I really had no other experience in my life of connecting to stillness and femaleness – so mothering became the benchmark. As well as the feeling of stillness that came with pregnancy, what drove my identification with mothering was the belief that ‘a mother’ was the ultimate way to be a woman; I believed that the role of mother would give me what I had always deep down wanted – recognition as a woman.
Nowadays, as I have re-built a foundation of connecting to and honouring myself through loving choices, I feel the difference between identifying myself as a mother, and lending a part of myself (large as it is) to mothering; the difference may sound subtle, but to me they are worlds apart. Previously, I mothered and lived from a place of over-identifying with the role because I believed that this was what it meant to be a woman. My relationships suffered because of this – because I was not bringing the full ‘me’ to the world. Whilst on the surface I had many friends and ‘happy’ children, I always felt disconnected and isolated… and I know that my children noticed this also. How confusing for them to see this ‘achieving and good mother ticking all the boxes’ who carried an energy of sadness, exhaustion and overwhelm.
Secondly, this ‘martyrdom’ was due to my identification with what I ‘do’ and the need for recognition of this: rather than seeing myself as already enough, I used how well I ‘did’ motherhood as a way to ‘value’ myself and ‘get love’ from others.
This is no surprise as this was a theme throughout my life: at school I performed to satisfy parents, teachers and society and I was rewarded for this; in sport I excelled and was given the label ‘elite’ which recognised me above others; in academia I achieved and was given status… motherhood really was just an extension of this momentum. I ‘did life’ with an intensity and drive that had previously been rewarded as successful, so it was natural that I ‘did’ mothering in the same way, with a drive to succeed and get recognition. This would take the form of ‘happy’, ‘fed’, ‘inspired’ children and a ‘clean house’. The thing was, I was not in-truth bringing me to my relationship with my children, husband or the world – I was hiding in the ‘intense demands’ of mothering: it was like I was saying “don’t try to connect to the real me ’cause I am too busy for that… there are dishes to be done, beds to make, lunches to pack etc.”. I now see that this was an excuse for me to not feel what was inside – an emptiness and disregard. I had run away from this all of my life, and motherhood had become my latest treadmill.
My kids for the most part got to experience a person (me) in ‘auto drive’, always with the end result in mind – ‘get them fed’, ‘get the house clean’, ‘get them to their friends’ house for a play’, ‘get them to bed’… This would always lead to exhaustion as I was not connecting to me first, which would have allowed me to feel and respond to my body, and also to others. I would ‘go hard’ from the moment I was up until the moment the kids went to sleep – then I would crash and my unlucky husband would get to ‘share’ the evening with me – really it wasn’t sharing at all as I made everything about me and getting my needs met at that point because I had neglected them the entire day. Instead of feeling it, I would hold on to my anger and frustration and let it build up during the day, only to ‘unleash’ it on my husband – he only had to look at me the ‘wrong’ way. I would often be irritable at night – living a ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ situation where I was this ‘loving’ and ‘enthusiastic’ mother by day and ‘angry beast’ by night. I do indulge using this metaphor somewhat, though it is not far from the truth. I remember how I would repeat again and again how my husband had ‘let me down’ and not ‘supported me’; this could all be over a damp towel he had left on the ground from his shower, an unmet expectation, or simply not paying enough attention to me or giving me the response I wanted. In-truth, I had not supported myself the entire day with any kind of moment to stop and feel, and instead of taking responsibility for creating this momentum I would blame others for my feelings. I also used this drama to avoid intimacy with my husband – I felt little connection to myself from the driven and emotional way I had lived my day – and to connect with him meant I needed to feel the momentum of energy I was in. I would rarely choose this level of responsibility – it was much easier to have a fight. The other way I would be with my husband was to make him the focus or centre of my attention, as I had done with the children throughout the day. This didn’t bring satisfaction to either of us – with him often ignoring me as he felt my ‘neediness’, and me pushing harder and harder for recognition, “look at how much I am willing to do for you”….
Anything I did do for myself was usually around food, to bring comfort and stimulate my energy levels which would drop fast throughout the day. The more tired I got, the more likely I was to yell and blame others for making life hard for me… oh what a very dramatic and old story it became! I was trying so hard to keep up ‘pretences’, to look as though I was coping, that I rarely considered opening up to another woman and sharing with her my true feelings. I knew I had the best of intentions and that I loved my children and husband – though my feelings of overwhelm and desperation continued.
Our ‘stories’, patterns, beliefs and ideals continue unless we firstly bring honesty and awareness to how we are living; (or as I later learnt it) the quality of our livingness. I was honest enough to be looking for this awareness as I was willing to begin to feel the hurt, pain and separation I was in, and the impact this had on my family, and others in general. I remember that one of the first things I read from Universal Medicine was a line in a pamphlet which talked about the possible benefits of a healing course for our family and friends. I could feel the truth of this possibility and I have personally experienced the power of taking responsibility and choosing to heal and reclaim myself as a woman first. This has brought, and continues to bring, loving change to my life, and through inspiration and reflection, to the lives of others around me. Nowadays I am feeling the natural effect in my family of what happens when I come from my wholeness and simply be as a woman– my husband loves it and my kids have become more playful and open with me.
I am enjoying being with myself more every day, as well as experiencing more love, joy and playfulness in our family than I could have imagined possible. Instead of my day feeling like I am in a tunnel with a train coming towards me, I feel like I am on board in a very cosy cabin enjoying the ride. As I am re-connecting to my true self as a woman, I naturally let the world in and am open to truly loving connections with others – is this not something we all want?
This process of learning to honour ourselves as women and the changes that occur is worthy of much continued conversation….
Love it Sarah, thank you for your honesty. The process of learning to honour ourselves as women is indeed worthy of much continued conversation.
Simply amazing, Sarah, a lot I can relate to and a lot of what I see all around me. I’m going to share your blog and hope the women I know read it because I know it will make a difference on so many levels. Thankyou.
Sarah this is beauty-full thank you for being so honest whether we have chosen to have children or not it is vital to our wellbeing that we keep learning to honour ourselves deeply as women
Just gorgeous Sarah, I Love your openness with regards to mothering and the sharing of possibilities that become a reality when we choose to allow room in the day for us and our needs. I found when I was mothering young children there was an illusion of how great life was, when talking to other mums, and this illusion was only made possible by all the women pretending life was grand when really they were struggling, trying to do everything for everyone but yet not taking the time to care for themselves, thank you for bringing light to the illusion, and sharing how this has worked for you and your family.
That is really, really interesting and explains a lot. Thank you.
Beautiful blog Sarah. Although I have no children nor a husband I can relate with what you are sharing very much. Living life without a connection with myself is not as much fun as with that connection with myself which is warm, still, full, harmonious, spacious and a so on.
Thanks for sharing!
In recent weeks, I’ve heard several people comment on how much you have changed Sarah. How you are more dynamic and yet more gentle, how you’ve stepped up and yet are more self contained, how you are amazingly organised and contributing to a community life in a really big way and yet you are more involved in your family life then ever before. I wondered “how is it possible to be all these things at once?”. Your blog has answered that question.
Dear Sarah – this is an exact template of what just about every mother has ever done! It is so good that you have put it out there now for all to see and go “yes. I know that – it doesn’t have to be that way for us anymore”. How any of us ever imagined that we could stay the adorable, delightful, irresistible women that we were once we entered the arena of motherhood-identification, I do not know. The magic of us is now being launched on the world! Thank you for your inspiring blog.
The clarity and honesty in this piece comes from a place of absolute truth. As we as women become more aware of what is truly going on with us, only then can we begin to arrest the momentum that holds us bound to disabling ideals and beliefs. As I read this blog I felt it was written about me (or how I used to be, still a daily work in progress!). It’s such an accurate account of most of the women I know including my own mother. I clearly remember being on the receiving end of a mum who was always there but mostly absent and largely unavailable, yet grew up to follow in her footsteps. I commit to creating a different footprint for my children even if they are only baby steps to begin with. Thank you for your honest expression Sarah, this is a must share.
Very stilling and inspiring to me. It also clears the illusion of trying to control the situation at home as a man. The truth is – I feel now – that we – as men – know what’s going on and it makes us really sad. But instead of honouring what we feel and express it, we shut our mouths and choose hardness. Wow.
An honest and sincere sharing Sarah. A beautiful read. Thank you for the reminder and reflection of the results of not connecting with self first in everything!
Your article is deeply inspiring. Thank you for sharing Sarah.
I can relate to so much of what you have written about how you used to be, even though I have not had children. For example you describe how you used to give your husband a hard time when you had not supported yourself during the day. I can absolutely relate to reacting to a ‘look’ or some such small behaviour from my husband when I am feeling out of sorts with myself.
One of the things that used to most annoy me about my husband was if he spoke to me in a tone or did something I didn’t like, then I would react and particularly resent and blame him for MY reaction which had spoilt my illusion that I was so cool and together.
You also make this point “Anything I did do for myself was usually around food, to bring comfort and stimulate my energy levels which would drop fast throughout the day. The more tired I got, the more likely I was to yell and blame others for making life hard for me…” which I can absolutely relate to energetically. I didn’t used to actually yell out loud, but I would scream inside which is just as noisy!
I am also increasingly enjoying being with myself and others these days. The litmus test is still often at home with my gorgeous husband and that is becoming more and more loving and fun. I react a great deal less these days and my husband also reacts massively less and rarely uses those ‘tones’ that used to get me going!
The above points really emphasise again to me how to not let myself go during the day so that I get into such a state in the first place.
Sarah, you have shared with us how simple it actually is to start to turn things around. Being willing to be honest and open to how we are actually living first and foremost. I will second that, and alongside this is making the choice to deeply honour ourselves as women first, and present this in our homes and in the world. I can feel you doing this which makes your words all the more powerful. Thank you!
We are very powerful as women. We have power in that we control everything. We control our mothering, running a house, partners, our jobs and a family and therefore we are not being ourselves because we allow the control to dominate. When we can bring an honesty to how we are being as a woman and even consider the quality of ourselves in everything we are doing, we have true power. True power brings deep nurturing, fragility, strength, grace and love to our children, partners, friends, work colleagues and people we meet. There is a real difference in a power that controls everything and having true power that changes the quality in which we are in the world. I have spent time in Sarah’s house and marvelled at how powerful she is. She can be working from home, focused, dedicated and completely with herself as she deals with issues that arise with work. If her children ask something of her she is completely connected to them while absolutely staying with herself. The quality of who she is as a beautiful woman remains constant and it is very inspiring.
I have often felt the sadness of not being able to connect in full with friends who overwhelmingly identify with motherhood. Thank you Sarah for acknowledging the truth of how this can come to be, and what is lost as a result.
This is beauty-full Sarah. Thank you. I can so relate to everything you’ve written. I used to think as long as everything got done on my list for the day, that I was doing well and that I was a ‘good’ mother. I still catch myself some days falling back into this, but am now taking more time to really connect to my son and partner, even if it’s only for 5 minutes some days. So many women are in this momentum, especially at the end of the day when you’re exhausted and blame your partner. It is so true – it all starts with awareness.
What an awesome post. Thank you dear Sarah! The difference in a life lived from having re-found our centre, as opposed to ‘following’ and confirming each other in struggle and identification is just so enormous. Recent observations have brought this home to me, and also the memory of just how horrendous it was personally to have lived without this reference point in the self, without love as my marker (no ‘perfection’ now – but the difference is just so vast).
Without a true sense of who we are, identification, role-playing, and the attendant drama, disregard, exhaustion and hardness, are all so so easy… a merry-go-round of dissatisfaction, neediness and demand that we know ‘isn’t it’, but still seek to perpetuate and get some kind of ‘fulfillment’ from. It still ‘spins’ all around us – we see new generations inculcated in such toxicity – and yet, we can remain still, loving and present, for ourselves, all those around us, and those who may one day, choose to see that there is indeed another way.
Thank you for so candidly sharing your own experience, and how it is to honour the true woman and great light that you are.
Thank you Sarah.
Sarah, thank you for this blog. It echos my experience as a husband and helps explain some things that just made no sense to me.
Sarah, thank you. Your experience is just like mine, and probably just like most people’s… you have written how it feels so well. And to move forward I love the way you said “I feel the difference between identifying myself as a mother, and lending a part of myself (large as it is) to mothering”. I will take that with me today.
Thank you Sarah for your reflections. They were very timely as I was reunited with my four grown children over the ‘festive’ season. I was interested to observe my children’s reactions to being back at home where most of my mothering took place. Many little comments that were made, highlighted to me how hard I have been with my children in the past as I tried to live the ideal of motherhood, being everything to everyone while simmering inside with anger and frustration as I completely overlooked my own needs. I also observed that I no longer reacted to these comments and felt them as an unravelling for my children, an honest commentary of what they had felt from me. It was like “Oh, that’s how I was with them, when I had no self love!”.
During our recent days together I made the time to be with me even if it meant saying no to suggestions from the kids. Deep acceptance of myself and all I have been feels a bit uneasy – I am willing to also accept that unease as part of my healing. Trying to please to gain recognition is a deep pattern that has caused hardening. Your mothering blog Sarah, has allowed me to explore this ‘theme’. Thanks…
Thank you Sarah, I can really relate to your story. You have expressed it so beautifully and I absolutely agree… “the process of learning to honour ourselves as women and the changes that occur is worthy of much continued conversation…”
There was an ‘unreal’ moment whilst reading the blog when I thought: Did I write this article?! Striking similarity this is! Thank you Sarah.
Well thank you Sarah, mainly for the gift of absolute honesty with self – first… and then being willing to share all of that with others. We have completely underestimated the power of very honest communication of how things are, and the amazingness that comes through as we take responsibility for our choices within that honesty. So much of what you have said resonates with my own path through motherhood and the learning I have gained and continue to delve deeper into.
A big point of blame for me has been using my family as an excuse for why I felt stifled, bogged or weighed down in my life but the truth was that I had felt it, for a great part of my life. This was because I had always made choices towards living a life in hiding. I would bring into my life, relationships and situations to continue to play out that story. I used them to bury the fact that I was too scared to step out into my life as the unhindered, uncensored, me, as all of me, not just the parts I was comfortable showing. Essentially I used motherhood to hide in. I used my relationship with my partner and my children to hide from what being in the world brought up for me that I needed to deal with. This was especially evident when my children were little and I was mainly in the home – what a perfect hiding place, cooking, cleaning, playing, hobbies. My kids are now more grown up at ages 9 and 7 and are at school. I work at least 4 days a week and am well aware of what I now cannot hide from in my life.
It was the perfect set up really, to make a choice to have a family as the perfect place to hide but once you’re hidden (not really, but have a perception of safety), you are also resentful, because it isn’t what you truly want but the band-aid solution for the hurts. So, with your family, you have to continue to unfold all of this and it gets pretty complicated in the process.
The complication was the key because avoiding my hurts made life complicated and I discovered that I had to work really hard at making it simple again, like when I was a child, natural and carefree.
So thank you again for sharing this, I have since shared it with other mothers, who have shared it with their partners and it has allowed there to be so much more understanding.
Shannon your comment is absolutely awesome – worth every single word, coma, period and hyphen.
I had never even considered how having a family can be used as a hiding place – not until I read your words that is – WOW! And the resentment built as a result… by the time I was reading that part I was going “Oh, my God… Oh, my…”. Thank you.