by Luz Helena Hincapie, 35 years, BA Architect, Colombia, South America
What was I REALLY feeling about Breastfeeding?
After all that I had been through with breastfeeding so far (See my previous blog: Learning to Love Myself Through My Breasts – My Experience with Breastfeeding), I realized I felt negative and burdened, but I could not deny I also loved it as I was learning so much from the process. In my mind I stubbornly decided not to stop until the baby was 1 year old at least: no matter what, I was determined not to complain that much and keep it all to myself. I saw everything as black or white, with no other possibilities in between. I had a pesky feeling all along, like a sense of failure because I thought breastfeeding and motherhood didn’t seem to come as natural to me as to other women.
But I had my own way to be in touch with my son and be present with him, and I didn’t appreciate this very much. I got lost in the noise of my head…. everything from my own mental conclusions, to all the theories and literature I read, to all that I heard from others and a whole list of ‘shoulds’ and ‘ideals’ that came at me from outside. I kept myself in a state of anxiety and frustration, which added to the already busy and stressful practicalities of early motherhood.
The Big ‘STOP’ in this process was my body.
The body, as always, is more honest than the mind.
The first sign that came up for me to look at was when I had a case of mild mastitis after two and a half months of breastfeeding. I know behind each illness there is an issue that needs to clear somehow. In this case, I thought it was an old issue of self-loathing clearing up; I decided to welcome it as part of a healing process.
When I felt better, I carried on breastfeeding with renewed openness to compromise, but I slowly went back to feeling burdened, sometimes. Two months later, I repeatedly got a lump on my right breast every 8 to 10 days; it was always the same duct getting blocked, giving me a threat of mastitis each time. I became dependent on the nurse’s support every week. She suggested that I was probably too stressed, that I should do something else apart from being with the baby all of the time. Sure, I was stressed and I was totally dedicated to the baby, but this realization was not enough, I sensed there was something else to look at. This cycle of pain/ease, pain/ease lasted for more than two months until I was told by the nurse that it was best to stop breastfeeding as it was putting my health at risk. I felt a secret relief! But I also felt it was not the right time to stop for both my baby and me.
Thankfully there is great support out there from a group of people that are aligned to the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. Thanks to the support of one of Universal Medicine’s practitioners of Esoteric Healing, I finally allowed my inner voice to speak out to me. I finally got the clarity to see what was going on, I had been
- Living through this new experience of motherhood with a permanent feeling of not being enough
- Secretly comparing myself with others
- Criticizing myself for my feelings and my performance
- Feeling a permanent state of guilt and to make up for it, I chose to sacrifice and behave ‘properly’
- Caught in a spiral of self-loathing because I couldn’t trust what I felt and I didn’t match the ‘ideal’.
It was a big ‘aha’ moment, very beautiful! I let some tears out, felt emotional and then chose to stop the reaction, and start the weaning process over a period of 15 days. The first five days I reduced the breastfeeding to three times per day, the next 5 days to two times. The next 5 days I was supposed to reduce it to one feed per day, but during the first 10 days I was shown many things. First of all, I nominated what was truly going on, clearly and honestly. This allowed me to stop feeling helpless and guilty. I brought understanding and love to myself and my fragility. With this as a foundation, I realized that slowly and patiently the baby accepted to be fed from the bottle and that it lifted a big burden from my shoulders – just two formula feeds per day made such a huge difference in the way I felt during the day! It allowed me to share the responsibility with others and I was able to go outside without rushing or feeling worried. I started to look forward to the night to breastfeed him again.
Amazingly after ten days I didn’t get the lumps anymore, even though my breasts were full of milk! Something definitely shifted. I decided not to stop breastfeeding completely, but carry on with two feeds per day and I am still doing it. It has been more than four months and I haven’t got the lump back. I’ve learned so much from this experience.
You may also like:
Learning to Love Myself Through My Breasts – The Early Years of Shame
Learning to Love Myself Through My Breasts – Discovering the Esoteric Breast Massage
Learning to Love Myself Through My Breasts – My Experience with Breastfeeding