by JK, UK
Whilst working recently I have been feeling just how lovely it is working with women, and how different my experiences are nowadays.
In my early days at work in the 1980’s, I worked in a number of different offices and environments with women. At that time I often observed bitchiness amongst one or two of the women, with one woman talking behind another’s back, for instance. Sometimes there were huddles of women gossiping about another woman, sometimes there were just silent facial expressions, door slamming and awkward moments amongst the women. In one particular group of women where I worked they even went so far as to ‘send one of the woman to Coventry’ – a phrase that described when all of the other women ganged up and totally ignored the one woman, not even speaking to her when she spoke – just a blank stony silence – a kind of ‘freezing out’ of that one woman.
There were moans about one woman’s ability to work, or another woman’s personal life, or how she dressed, and all of these behaviours pretty much occurred constantly, day in, day out. As a HR Manager, one day I even had to sort out a fight in the car park outside one of the hospitals I worked in, where a group of ladies who did the cleaning were having a physical, hair pulling, face slapping fight… bearing in mind this was outside a cancer treatment centre, full of very sick people.
I too was once ‘sent to Coventry’ and completely frozen out of all discussions and eye contact for days by one group of women. On other occasions I had also felt the bitchy comments of other women. Whilst I didn’t ‘send anyone to Coventry’, I did engage in gossiping. It seemed like the normal thing to do, yet it always felt uncomfortable and I always felt sick in my tummy when I was gossiping about others.
At the same time, amongst all this, there were always a few women who kept things simple, observed, treated everyone equally, and didn’t get embroiled in such antics. Looking back, these women were inspiring and had a somewhat ‘steadying‘ effect on the others around them, but I never really paid them much attention until now.
In recent weeks I have been working in a number of different environments with a few different groups of women, and I have been deeply touched by the absolute loveliness of women.
One group of women I work with are facilitators like myself who often travel around the country to work – catching trains and staying overnight in hotels away from their families and friends, all of whom live in different parts of the country. None of us actually know each other very well, (we have probably met a few times before). This week a group of us were travelling, and I observed how lovely the women were. One had forgotten her toothpaste, and another lent hers; one had forgotten some other items, and another lent her some toiletries. One buying a cup of tea for the other, one helping the other with her bag.
There was a constant (without asking) support offered amongst these women to one another. We worked together during the day with a large group of public sector leaders. The day flowed well, and we all simply got on with the task, checking in with one another, supporting where needs be, and then travelled back to the station together, and for some of us, shared part of the train journey together. Whilst we didn’t really know one another, there was a ‘knowing’ amongst us all, a bond, a support. All our conversations were playful and fun, as was sharing our experiences of travelling, and life, and learning from one another. I smiled as I left them on the train together. It was an absolute joy to work with them.
The second group of women I have been working with recently is in an office I regularly ‘hot desk’ in. Many of these women have been working together for some time; some know each other more than others. Most live locally, and they have a shared role in many ways to support the running of an extremely busy hospital, and the busy managers that work there. Nothing is too much trouble. Every woman in that office supports the others, often without words, just with a knowing. One will make some tea for everyone, another will cover for one of them as she goes off on an urgent errand, another will help one of them when the printer has gone wrong. All of this flows whilst they are getting on with their busy workloads. Amongst this, there are moments of joyful conversation about a new nail colour, how one of them has been exercising, or a diet or food that one is trying. All of their conversations are gentle, supportive, and open. It is an absolute joy for me to sit in amongst them when I am working there, and feel the quality of their loveliness.
The third group of women this week were all in one large meeting. We had an urgent, complicated task to deal with for the hospital, and we had women around the table of many different talents; planning, HR, nurses, leaders, managers, training, education, recruitment specialists and so on – women of all ages and in organisational terms, of all ‘status’. The room was small, and hot, and we squashed around the table. Every woman honoured those around her, valuing each other for their talent, for their insight, for their support. Within a few moments there was a harmony amongst the women, and within an hour we had taken a complicated issue and made sense of it with some shared tasks and options as to the way forward. The meeting at all times was light, and playful, and there was a natural flow of proceedings. This meeting rocked by the quality of those women.
As I sat within all three of these groups of women for the first time I consciously appreciated the quality that women can bring when they work together in harmony. I appreciated the loveliness of everyone individually, and how unique we all are, and within that, how simple it was to work together. I also appreciated that being with, and working with other women didn’t need the bitchiness or harshness that I had experienced earlier in my career, and that the tenderness of women lies just beneath the surface, ready and waiting to be felt, connected to, and honoured in whatever working environment we happen to be.