by Anonymous, Australia
Last night I was blessed by a heaven-sent dream. In fact it was much more than a dream. It was a realisation and a bodily experience of my mother’s death. I learnt that Mum died peacefully. She simply let go. The experience of that moment in my dream was of a peaceful letting go, a beautiful golden light. A smile came to my face, my body relaxed and I let go too, as she let go. I let go of the guilt I had been holding since her death two years ago.
They say that people find it hard to let go at the end of life because of their attachments to people, family, partners or children. My mother’s attachment was to her house.
The time had come to move Mum to a nursing home.
My brother and I had gone to Sydney to visit her for her 91st birthday. Knowing her health and capacity to care for herself were progressively deteriorating, I had arranged for her doctor and the aged care assessment team to visit while I was there. I couldn’t have made the decision on my own, but when my brother saw her condition it became clear the time had come to move her to a nursing home – all we needed was her agreement. With the support and kindness of her doctor, she agreed. The doctor and aged care assessment team were ready to act immediately, putting her into a private hospital before moving her to the nursing home. It was a hard decision, but she was no longer able to care for herself, she was refusing additional help at home and everyone in the family lived far, far away.
As you can imagine, Mum was very unhappy to find herself a few days later in a nursing home almost a thousand kilometres from home. She was closer to her children and grandchildren and had frequent visits, she enjoyed that, but she didn’t want to be there. She wanted to be in her own home. Her accommodation at the nursing home was temporary and within a few weeks we were being pressured to make her respite permanent. What that meant was, we had to sell her home.
It was the hardest conversation I ever had with her. I was going to Sydney with my brother to clean out her house and get it ready for sale. “Am I ever going home?” she asked. “No,” I said, “never”. “I’m never going home?” she asked again. “No Mum, never”.
I flew down to Sydney to meet up with my brother and clean out the house. After three intense days we had the house ready to sell. As I left the house, the phone rang. It was the nursing home to tell me Mum had just passed over.
For two years now, I’ve been carrying the guilt of moving my mother from her home and putting her in a nursing home and feeling angry with her for putting me in that position. You see there was a cord, an umbilical cord, a deep attachment and investment between mother and daughter. At a certain point the roles reversed and I became my mother’s parent. Even though I told myself she was responsible for her own choices, I was carrying the responsibility of keeping a watchful eye on her. I’d been doing it for years. I understood her desire for independence but I could also see that she needed much more help than she was willing to accept.
That afternoon, after she died, she visited momentarily and said “Thank you”, but I was too angry to accept her thanks: angry for my guilt, and blaming her for making me feel this way. However, I can now thank myself for making that tough decision and letting her pass over peacefully. She died in her sleep as she had always wanted. I know it was beautiful because I felt it in my body in my dream last night. She was finally able to let go… and now I’ve been able to finally let go too.
Comments are closed.