No matter which side of the hemisphere we live in or nationality we’re from, dating and finding true love continues to be a global ache or tension. Where we live makes no difference at all and yet so many of us to a degree cling onto a belief, minor hope or big dream that by moving abroad or finding an expat, this ache will be eased and provide the love that’s missing ‘back home’. Though when this doesn’t occur, are we willing to step back and take a look at ourselves, or do we leave the country, taking the disillusioned ‘love-hope’ with us onto our next destination?
Comparison and Checklists
Having moved from London to Singapore, what’s become pronounced to me is just how our ache in finding true love is identically in both countries being exacerbated by:
- Subtle undercurrents of competition, comparison, and resentment notably with our looks, dress sense, skin, eye or hair colour, nationality, or another’s partner, relationship or marriage . . . and with this –
- The many ‘cushioning checklists’ secretly coveted; what potential partners or husbands might do for a job and their position or title; the available cash and credit cards; brand of car; residing condo or neighbourhood, and country club membership. In other words, the security a partner is able to provide [us] for the future.
But all these only create and fuel tension, and instead of the enjoyment or light-hearted fun that dating and finding true love can be, it’s dulled with intensity and anxiousness. And it doesn’t really matter which country we’re in, whether we are single and dating, in a relationship or married, an expat, a girl from the west (‘ang-moh’), Sarong Party Girl (‘SPG’) or traditional Asian woman from the east, the real depth and innate natural beauty of us as a woman is remaining deeply spoiled.
The Question of LOVE
Which brings us to LOVE: if we can relate to having some sort of tension, however subtle, is it worth reflecting on –
- Who are we really loving – the person or their checklist?
- How exactly are we loving – is it from the real-natural-us, or the us spoiled by the subtlety of comparison, competition or resentment?
And so
- What type of love is it that we are receiving – does it reflect the beauty of true love or is it more a convenience, a mutual contract or a supply and demand ‘security-for-beauty’ arrangement?
Are we really, honestly and truly having, enjoying and finding true Love in our lives?
And maybe if not, to feel true love’s vacancy, knowing deep down that we deserve to have this, be adored and cherished not for how we might look, our nationality or background we’re from, but instead for the woman we are, is the real or deeper tension that we carry. But first, do we enjoy being who we are, the woman we are? In other words: are we truly loving ourselves before wanting another to love us? Finding True Love begins with self-love Love is truly enjoying, loving and deeply caring for ourselves and accepting this as our natural way without compromise – and not just because we’d like a date, need excitement, don’t want to feel lonely, or already have a partner to take care of us. Even feel confident as a woman with a man by our side. Feeling complete only when we have a partner means we feel incomplete or not full to begin with – but isn’t true Love something that’s already full, not half empty at the start?
How amazing if the fullness we can bring out in ourselves, is then celebrated within a relationship.
Equally amazing would be if this true Love led our relationships, rather than the love of checklists and ‘needs’, or with one person leading and the other always following. Wouldn’t this lead to a more true equality in relationship, and isn’t this worth finding and having? So when looking for love, we might say that the potential of finding true Love isn’t found anywhere in the potential of a partner’s checklist. It’s found in their potential to love themselves first and with this equally us as their partner.
A Self-Completed Woman Leads The Way to LOVE.
So what if?
- What we look for in another is just a reflection of the love that is already within us rather than looking for what we don’t have in ourselves and asking another to provide or fill?
- We receive the true love we desire and deserve in our lives by being this true love first, self-completed?
- We let our Love inspire another to be this same Love too, and enjoy a true equal partnership that is without the drain of filling others’ expectations, criteria or checklists?
When we stop the search for love in looking outside ourselves to find it in a date, ‘window shopping’ or an affair, and instead start to look within, we may see that finding the true love we seek is already there within us whether we’re in Singapore, Hong Kong, London, Sydney…or anywhere!
By Zofia, Asia
You may also enjoy:
The Adventure of Dating by Karin Becker
Finding the One – The Waltz of Romantic Idealism by Coleen Hensley