by Natalie Hawthorne, General Manager, Hospitality, London, UK
I am just finishing the most amazing period I have ever had in my life! I know, how cool is that?… and I thought that the ones before that recently had been pretty good. Lately my ‘normal’ would consist of: tender breasts, with swelling coming up sometimes before the period was due, along with feeling tired. And on its arrival, most times I would feel a little foggy or dazed – not clear headed – and my lower back would have an ache, nothing major, but it was there. By day 3, when I am in full flow, I would sometimes get an ache in the ovaries and, depending on the month, it could be sometimes worse than others, but never crippling.
What had I done this month differently to others, for me to feel amazing in this period?
A while back, I started to gauge ‘how I was doing’ according to the symptoms from the above – if there were only a few, I’d be “that’s ok” and brush it off. If there were more, with more pain, I would say, “so what have I been doing this month?”. From these observations I started to notice where I was being hard with myself and the way in which I did things, rather than being tender and gentle. However, for me, in these observations my focus was on the negative; on how I wasn’t being me, and how I kept choosing those hardened ways – and so, I started beating myself up with ‘the bat’. This wasn’t an obvious attack so to speak; it could be very subtle and I wouldn’t even realise I was doing it half the time. But still, I was only looking at what I needed to ‘do’ to ‘be me’ and I would therefore go into comparison with myself and with others, instead of just being me. So, in that looking for what I needed to ‘do’, everything I was ‘doing’ wasn’t true because it wasn’t me – and the bat would always get picked up. How exhausting!
I have now started to lovingly assess how my cycle has been. I also see where I have been me and what I do that supports me to be me, and how amazing this is too. It is also building my self-confidence and self-worth and I’m starting to believe that I am enough just the way I am.
I realised in the last month, as I had been reflecting on the choices I have made over the last nine years, how much the Love (which I have chosen to allow in and have towards myself), has grown and deepened. Simply starting to listen to my body, I began to make some changes. Beginning with the obvious ones, like alcohol and smoking – which I knew weren’t loving to my body – I phased them out. Then it started going deeper, like how every morning I have some time to myself just being with me. One thing I like to do is moisturise my body in connection with me, and as I’m doing this, I feel each part of my body. This has also now extended into doing my makeup. At first I realised I was putting the makeup on to make me look pretty, and I would also see what I didn’t like about myself (hello bat) while standing at the mirror. Then I started the sitting down and doing it in connection with myself: it feels completely different and I can see my beauty and I feel beautiful.
I also started making notes on how my day was and how my body felt, particularly during my cycle. Initially the frequency of this was irregular, but lately I have made more of a commitment to writing daily and I can feel the dedication towards myself is deepening. What I am building for myself is Pure Love, BUT I hadn’t really stopped and appreciated what I had lovingly been doing for myself. In this realisation I had an overwhelm of tears for what I have chosen – these were tears of joy for the huge amount of respect I have for myself. However, along the way I hadn’t really allowed myself to see how amazing this is as I had thought there was always something else I could have been doing or should have done. You guessed it – the bat! This appreciation has made me fall head over heels for myself. I have slowly been allowing myself to see how beautiful I am. I can now look in the mirror and truly look at me and say “damn, I’m fine”… and mean it from my heart!
The other thing that I had looked at during that month was where I am in my life and accepting and claiming that it is actually where I want to be. To give you an update, I have chosen to be single for around 2 years as I felt I needed some time to build a relationship with myself, and deepen it, which has been amazing. In this time I have also had most of my friends get married and have families. I’m at the age of 36 and if I wasn’t thinking about these things now, then I would probably be considered totally weird! As a woman, it is in your face and therefore pretty hard not to think about it! I am not anti-marriage or family in any way: if that is what was to be presented and it felt right, then I would go for it. But for me right now, where I am at, I ABSOLUTELY ADORE MY TIME with me and having the space to deepen this.
I know that putting down ‘the bat’ and starting to fall In-Love with myself has been the reason why my period was amazing.
Another reason my period was so amazing – it arrived on a Sunday, so I could chill out and be still. I had no swelling of the breasts, I felt energised and full of life, I felt alert and on the ball, no backache, no cramps and not even an ache in the ovaries. The only thing I did feel was extremely sexy, fragile and tender!
Now that’s what I’m talking about! More of that – and it’s only a choice and it’s My Choice.