by Kylie Kennedy, BA Psyc Sci and Dip Counselling, Australia
Feeling your way
Becoming a mother was something I chose two years ago when I became pregnant. But what does it mean to become a mum?
During my pregnancy I was confronted with so much literature, opinions, beliefs, morals and judgements about parenthood from books, professionals, friends, family: basically, everyone and everything had an opinion on what being a mum is all about. The amount of information that came my way was overwhelming. What I found was that there was such a force bombarding me with the ‘should’ and the ‘how to’ be a mum, at times it felt like I was drowning and gasping for air. I had to keep reminding myself to feel into what being a mum is all about. The truth is, we can give our power away to the information and the opinions of others.
With all of this going on, I found that I had this inner knowing, and that even in the whirlwind of information I did not lose myself. I held on to this inner knowing and kept connecting to that, trusting in my own ability to be a mother. From this place I was able to look at the information and say; “yes, I like that” or “no, I don’t like that”. I was able to listen to other people’s opinions, stories, or beliefs about parenting and I was able to discern what felt right for me… what I liked, and what I didn’t. It was like I was able to stand back from it all and just reach out and grab the parts I liked, and leave the parts I didn’t like.
Then along came my beautiful daughter, and all the ‘ideas’ I had about what I would and would not do as a parent went out the window. Being a new parent is beautiful yet challenging. It is such an unknown. Not all that information and all those opinions can prepare you for the journey that unfolds when your baby arrives. Every midwife will tell you that no two babies are the same. They have things in common; they all get wind and tummy pains, they all cry, sleep, and poop, yet they are different.
I took each day as it came and just followed what felt right. It was like my body knew what to do. At my check-ups my midwife said I was doing amazingly well and therefore only visited me twice instead of the 6 visits I was supposed to have.
However, I had my moments in parenthood when doubt would sneak in, when I would give power to all the information and opinions of others. I remember this one particular night… my daughter was about 2 weeks old; she had wind pain and she screamed for over 2 hours – her scream so intense you could tell the agony she was in. I wanted to make her feel better so much. I was doing everything I could and nothing was helping. I was fixated on the outcome of making it better for her… I started to get stressed and frustrated, which only intensified the crying. This then turned into my desperation and wanting to fix it so she didn’t have to be in pain any more. The crying was relentless. Once I allowed myself to feel what was happening I could see that my emotions, my stress, my frustration was actually making it worse for my daughter: she was screaming because she was in pain, but I took it on, wanting to fix it. It’s at these times that all the hurts, ideals and beliefs we have as parents come to the surface about why I can’t I fix my baby – not wanting them to hurt like we have been hurt. But our baby feels this imposition and cries louder.
This is the part of parenthood that not enough women talk about – the hard times, the screaming babies, the feelings of helplessness, frustration, desperation and vulnerability we at time can have as mothers.
At two months my daughter was not sleeping during the day, and if she did it was only catnaps… twenty minutes here or there. I was ok with that as she was sleeping through the night and she had plenty of down time. And then again the information overload, the opinions “that’s not enough sleep”, “she should be sleeping more” – this got to me. I became so obsessed with getting her to sleep; I would drive around for hours in the car or walk her around the house in the pram in circles trying and trying to get her to sleep. I became so stressed that I became emotionally distraught, often crying my eyes out. But how could she sleep when her mother was a crazy person trying to force her to sleep? It was in a moment of tears and desperation I saw what I was doing and where I was at. I became honest with myself and said: stop this! it’s ok if she doesn’t sleep during the day… she is sleeping 16 hours at night! This was about feeling what was needed for my daughter, not what I was told she needed by anyone else. Talking about this to other mums I realise I am not alone, and again why don’t we as women and as mothers actually talk about these moments more?
From being a mother I have learned that it is about feeling your way – there is no wrong or right way – there is only your baby’s way, and they will show you their way if you allow yourself to feel and unfold with your child.
I now have a 13-month girl, and she is amazing. She is so communicative and it’s all non-verbal. It’s like I can read her because I have allowed myself to develop this ability over the past year, with trial and error. It’s about supporting and allowing her to be her own person and to acknowledge her in what she wants and needs.
Not losing the woman
I have spoken about what it is like to become a mother, so it’s time to speak about the WOMAN who becomes a mother.
When I first became a mother it was such a joy (and it still is), but I was faced with this tiny person who was so dependent upon me – inevitably, the way I had lived changed. Freedom I had known before becoming a mum just disappeared. I couldn’t just get dressed and go for a walk, or decide to go see a movie at the cinema. Even putting petrol in the car became an event in itself. There was also the feeding, nappy changes, sleeping, washing, and the normal domestic chores. The one thing that tended to be forgotten was me. Where was I in this new role in my life? With all these new demands that I was faced with becoming a new parent, I started to forget about me.
I was in the shower one evening and I heard the baby cry. My first reaction was to jump out and run to the crying baby to make sure she was ok. The fact is, she was ok – she was with her dad and you know what? – she is allowed to cry. When I realised what I had done I registered that I had lost myself in this new role. Actually, it was no longer a role… it became who I was. I was a mother and that was it. I kept asking myself – where was ME? Yes I am a mum, yes there are things now that I have to do as part of my role as a mum, but where am I in this? Am I making sure that I make time for me, allowing myself to nurture me, and be a woman, not just a mum? What I did was, I claimed a part of the day that was ‘me time’ – time to feel and be with myself.
I chose the shower as it is something I do daily. I claimed shower as my time to be with me and to nurture myself. It wasn’t about the length of the shower, it was more about the quality of the time I had with me. With all these new demands and the way my life had changed finding time for me was rare.
It was difficult at first being in the shower and hearing my daughter cry. I still wanted to run out and make sure she was ok. I had to keep telling myself that she was ok, and that it was ok to take the time for me. I could feel the anxiousness and the stress in me, the way my body felt like it was running a race in wanting to get everything done – the cleaning, cooking, washing, my daughter’s bath, her feed and get her to bed because then I can relax. Taking the time in the shower allowed me to stop and really feel me and nurture me. This was my time to just hang out with me without having to be a mum for 5 minutes. It was awesome. It was almost like I was recharging my battery whilst honouring myself. It was also a time of reflection to see where I had lost myself in the daily function of being a mum.
I still sometimes forget that I am me first, then a mum, but the fact is the ‘me’ is so important. The ‘being me’ part is the part that allows me to connect, to feel and to meet my baby’s needs, more than just being the mother can.
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