Learning to Love Myself Through My Breasts – Breastfeeding and Trusting Stillness Within

by Luz Helena Hincapie, 35 years, BA Architect, Colombia, South America

As with any other subject in this world, Breastfeeding comes with its own set of ideals and beliefs.

The obsession to do the best thing for our children above everything else, including the mother, seems to be normal and accepted. Ideas on breastfeeding have a great impact on women, as it did on me. Women can feel good about themselves if they produce enough milk and choose to breastfeed for a LONG time, or sad with a secret sense of failure if they don’t.

Feelings of guilt are huge surrounding the experience of Breastfeeding

Surely every mother could be encouraged to do what feels right for them? In my case, feeling clear about what to do didn’t come easy, partly because of the amount of information I had in my head from my seeking the answer outside instead of trusting myself, and because I got so focussed on being efficient and dealing with the practicalities of early motherhood. But mainly it was because I let myself go! I interrupted the process of connection to myself, even more with my breasts (See my previous Blog on rediscovering this connection with me through my breasts: Learning to Love Myself Through My Breasts – Discovering the Esoteric Breast Massage).

This time my breasts were not sexual objects or invisible, this time:

My breasts became a pair of baby bottles.

They were not really mine; I saw them as two big problems weighing down on me. I left behind the rituals that supported a true connection to myself and as a consequence….

I had stopped listening to my inner voice, I did not allow myself to trust my feelings and instead let the noise in my head rule.

Sure, there is awareness and support to treat post-natal depression and assistance on breastfeeding, but there is not enough clarity when encouraging and supporting women to truly feel empowered to make loving decisions for themselves first and trust that if they are truly loving, those decisions will benefit the baby as well. Nobody seems to use words such as self-loving or stillness in this process.

Love is believed to be: put the child first, and the mother next.

I appreciate very much the support that is given by Universal Medicine practitioners and especially by the Esoteric Women’s Health community. By remaining in touch with some of the practitioners and reading these blogs, I have felt supported to go back to SIMPLICITY and allow myself to feel empowered again. Having a baby can be a tremendous challenge for some women to stay present and connected to themselves, to remain still and to say NO to all the ideals and beliefs surrounding this life-changing event.

I have learned that I need to be first, then the baby – putting the ‘woman’ in me first will support me and so the baby.

This doesn’t mean you leave the baby unattended and crying until he falls asleep, but to plan ahead and recover some space, even small moments during the day to connect back.

Some things I do to connect back to me are:

writing
walking on my own, gently
letting a couple of tears out
smiling at me in the mirror and looking through my eyes and discovering my beauty and my light again
lying down for minimum of 5 minutes to feel my achy body
breathing gently through the tip of my nose, not allowing thoughts to distract me.

I have learned to welcome other people to help out, remaining flexible, and take responsibility for the quality of my presence and how I do everything, as it affects the baby most.

If I feel worn out and resentful what type of energy I am offering to my child through my touch, my look or my embrace?

I am learning that breastfeeding is not just about nutrition or the quantity of milk, neither is it a way to smother or pander to someone. It is more about the quality of the presence of the mother and how she chooses to stay present before, during and after the process, and from there offer a deep, true nourishment for the baby. This realization has also shown me when I am emotionally feeding my child or when I am supporting him with true love.

Breastfeeding done out of obligation not only affects the baby, but also myself.

I am so glad I didn’t give up breastfeeding from the beginning, out of a reaction.

I could have done it, and it would’ve be fine, but it was worth all the process as it allowed me to face an issue of self-loathing that I didn’t want to truly feel and accept, and that I’ve been carrying all my life
It also showed me how easy it is to let go of a loving rhythm that I’d been building – just because a situation seemed so big and complicated I was convincing myself that staying with ‘simple’ and ‘loving’ choices was ineffective and not compatible or possible
I learned that there is always a way to deal with life’s apparent ‘intricate’ situations, no matter how challenging the situation is: the key is to always create space where I can feel myself in stillness and from there honor my feelings, allow my inner voice to speak out and give it a go.

Since the beginning, I knew there was another way to understand and deal with breastfeeding, but I decided not to listen, and saw everything as black or white. I had decided to override my feelings and operate from my mind as pretty much everyone around me was doing, too.

WHAT IF WOMEN everywhere in this world were encouraged to first and foremost get in touch with their stillness within, to truly feel their bodies and from there make decisions and deal with whatever they need to deal?

WHAT IF WOMEN were encouraged to trust the feelings that come from that state of stillness, come from within and start building up a relationship with themselves first and then with everybody else, including their children?

And finally, back to my breasts. Yes, once more they have put me in touch with something greater within me and have shown me old ways of being that I needed to accept and commit to letting go of.