The other day I was watching a Dutch TV program where four well-known Dutch female performers were singing their latest song. I noticed that I went into quite familiar reaction which always seems to pop up when I see certain people on television and especially with one of these women. It feels like I have this immediate irritation come up every time I see her.
This is what happened… Firstly, I mentioned to my partner that I had gotten irritated, which he said he already knew before he walked up the stairs because well, he’s known me for almost 8 years. Then my judgement kicked in, starting with how terrible the song was and followed by judging the women’s appearances. I noticed that one of them (the one I have this instantaneous irritation with) had gained quite a lot of weight, so I said something like this:
‘What happened to her?!’
‘She has gained a lot of weight!’
‘It must be the divorce/emotions!’
‘What happened to her face? It doesn’t move, she must have had Botox’.
Then I stopped, observed and I have to admit I had to laugh about myself. I was very much aware of what I was doing and have been doing for a long time: judging other women’s appearances and looks. Mostly the people I see on TV or read about in magazines are easy targets, but also women around me. It’s not that I say these things out loud but by not using words the judgement is still there and to be felt by others.
Over Christmas I had a similar situation where I saw this Christmas card with a photo of a woman I know with all of her grandchildren. I was at first having a simple and loving look at the photo but then I looked at her face and I had a reaction:
‘What happened to her face?!’ And the whole Botox thing kicked in again.
Both situations reflect to me that at times I look at women from a judging, critical and not honouring way. I notice that when I look at photos, go through a magazine or watch a woman on TV, I have this habit of mainly focussing first on the way they look, how their body is shaped, what they are wearing etc. before I see the woman for who she truly is. This is especially the case when a woman’s appearance has changed, for example gained/lost weight, looks exhausted, has had plastic surgery, is wearing (in my opinion) too much make up or is wearing something that (in my opinion) does not suit her body figure, I can have these judgments.
Why am I judgmental when it comes to other women and how they look and what does this say about me?
I have found it has to do with my own self-acceptance (of my body and the way I look), my own self-worth as a woman and also with self-love. I notice and have noticed for a long time, that it is not only me but that women amongst each other can be very critical and judgemental, especially when it comes to appearance, body shape and the way we look. It seems like it’s never good enough and there is always something that we don’t like. I know for myself that at times I can look in the mirror or at a photo of myself and myinner critic takes over…
It feels that among women we have a way of scanning each other instead of celebrating each other.
I have played a role in this as well, and I still do, but over the past few years I have developed more self-acceptance and love for myself, which is something that continues to develop and grow every day. I have been making different choices in my daily life that are supportive to me and my body: what I choose to eat, how I prepare myself to sleep and how I move through the day. I make more time for myself and I create moments to stop and feel what is happening with me and around me. I have learned to say no, to listen more to my body and I take much better care of myself. All these choices have supported me and still do, in accepting me and in truly nurturing myself.
I can look now at other women and feel a huge appreciation for them and just fully enjoy who they are and how they look. I can see how amazing women are, how we are naturally tender and still and how we don’t need to be hard with ourselves. Instead, we have this natural way of being that is very gentle. I can see how we all have within this same essence and that we all matter. I can look at myself now and feel this same huge appreciation for myself.
When the judging voice kicks in, I know now that I have gone into mind games, thoughts and I am no longer feeling steady, confident or like me anymore. Once I can fully embrace my own beauty, the inner and the outer and accept my own body in full, then I can embrace, appreciate and celebrate all other women in full – women are beautiful. It’s a big practise and very needed in a time where there is a lot of pressure on women and on how they should look.
by Mariette Reineke, Holland