What does it mean to be a good mother? Do your children have to live in the same house as you? And what if they don’t? Do you constantly have to be there for your children? There are so many pictures we as women, and as mothers have bought into – but are they true?
Do these ideals make the relationship with our children more loving or do they keep us imprisoned in a way that we are supposed to behave?
I am a divorced mother of two and right now my children live with their father. A question I get asked a lot is: “Don’t your kids live with you?” The tone of the question is often judgemental, disguised in a subtle surprise, but mostly tainted with suspicion. It is laced with the idea that ‘something must be wrong with you (me) / you must be a ‘bad’ mum when your children don’t live with you.’
To set the scene: After divorcing 11 years ago, my 2 children, at that time 4 and 9 lived with me. We lived in 1 house for 8 years and then one day my son, at that time aged 11, expressed in tears that he did not know who his dad really was and how sad that made him feel.
I appreciated his openness and his vocalising his feelings so clearly with me. It also felt as a big compliment to our relationship, and my way of upbringing, that he trusted himself, me and our relationship enough to share this.
So I suggested to him to consider going to high school where his dad lived (45 minutes from where we lived) and to move to his house. To cut a long story short, after a couple of months of going back and forth my son decided to move. His elder sister moved with him too. She wanted to give herself an opportunity to attend a new school with the possibility to build further friendships. I was left with an empty house, empty rooms and nobody to come home to. In all honesty, it took me some time to truly accept the choices my children had made and to not think: something was wrong with me because my kids wanted to live with their dad.
Am I not good enough? Is there something wrong with my mothering?
I realised this was also what mums at school spoke about: they were either wondering what was wrong with me, or feeling sorry for me.
So can you be a good mother without having your children living with you?
I have come to an understanding that you can:
That it actually doesn’t matter where your children live;
That being a good mother is about the quality of the relationship you have with yourself first and from there with your children;
That being a mum doesn’t define who I am, it is simply one of the relationships I have;
And that to have a solid and loving relationship with your children, you do not have to live in the same house.
As things turned out my relationship with my children has blossomed because of:
- Honouring my children’s choices
- Setting them free by not making them responsible for my happiness
- Openly speaking about what we honestly feel
- Treating my children as equals
- Accepting that it wasn’t my children’s responsibility to fill my house and my life with love, but rather my own. And that this didn’t mean I didn’t miss them living with me.
The teaching of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine form the platform for the changes I have gone through, the amazing mother I am and the wonderful life I am living now, and as a result I am able to share that reflection with my own and any other children I come into contact with.
by Monika, Woman, Mother, Coach and Business Director, The Netherlands
You may also enjoy:
5 Motherhood Myths by Matilda Clark
The Woman, The Mother by Nicole Serafin
Motherhood and Detachment: an Essential Element to True Love by Bianca Barman