by Gabriele Conrad, Goonellabah, Australia
This morning I looked around in my bedroom, felt how simple and supportive it was, and was reminded of all those years when I so yearned for a space where I could be with myself, take care of myself and look after myself.
In the past, I had always been keenly aware of how much I missed not doing things for myself; such as having a bath just for me, and not because I was chilled to the bone and a bath was the only way to warm up; such as having somewhere where I actually wanted to linger and where I could apply body lotion or cream; such as a space where I could take care of my hair rather than wear it so short that I never had to use a comb and never had to look at myself in the mirror.
You see, many years ago I had convinced myself that I was the ugliest person in the world. As a teenager, I used to cross the street when I saw somebody come towards me who I thought might be taken aback by my imagined abominable ugliness. How I had come to that conclusion… I do not know. How I made the choice as to whom to cross the street for and thus save them the shock of laying eyes on me… I do not know. Whenever I looked at old pictures of mine, all I saw, and all I could ever see, was that I looked normal, and more often than not downright pretty. I was always surprised about this but somehow always managed to convince myself that I was ugly now, whenever that now was, and that the images in the photo album did not count.
Later in life, the other thing I had convinced myself of was that I needed a really, really special space, a super-duper bathroom with all mod cons imaginable; then, and only then, would I be able to feel that I might like to linger and care for myself, and how I looked. I actually never managed to have such a bathroom, and I don’t have one of those now. But I do linger and I do look after me, care for my skin and my hair, and I have even started to wear a little bit of make-up now and then. (Isn’t it strange that we might do those things when we are looking for a partner and when we are first with a partner, but that we never do them for ourselves?).
So what has changed? I claimed my space in me; a space for self-care and self-nurturing that has nothing to do with what kind of bathroom I have, and whether I am in or want a relationship, or not – a space just for me. And because I take me with me wherever I go, I now have a space just for me wherever I go – and no more excuses, and that feels great!
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