by Aimee Edmonds, Mackay, Australia
For most of my life, I have looked out at the world and others to see how they were living – believing the answers of how to be a woman were ‘out there’, or held in other people. I thought if I looked like, talked like, or was more intelligent like others, then I would be happy… I would be content. One of the sad things about this picture (and there are plenty), is that I missed out on meeting and truly appreciating other girls and women for who they were… and they, in turn, missed out on meeting me for who I truly am.
Can you relate to this – looking outside of yourself for validation that you are enough, that you are doing enough or that you tick the boxes as being the ‘perfect’ partner, mother, friend, daughter or employee? There is so much out there showing us that we need to be more, do more or look a certain way. We see it in teenage and women’s magazines, on T.V., and from other women – what our body, home, children or job should look like, and how we should have it all together.
Last month I attended an Esoteric Women’s Group presented by Mary-Louise Myers, a presenter on women’s health, which I enjoyed immensely. The same as with previous presentations, we got together to discuss issues that arise in our day-to-day living. Over the past two years of attending these presentations I have been realising and seeing the pictures and beliefs I have held around what I had thought it was to be a woman. I have also become more aware of how I am living, and what is true for me and what is not. Once again, at this presentation I had the opportunity to bring a deeper awareness to what pictures, ideals and / or beliefs I have that get in the way of me being all of me as a woman.
There were many topics we spoke about in the meeting that I related to – like constantly doing and having lists upon lists, how or if we nurture ourselves, how we are with ourselves around our period; but the one that I felt most connected to was about body issues. How we feel about our bodies; do we go into criticising, self-bashing, lack of self-worth, comparison or jealousy?
As a young girl, I watched women around me agonise over their bodies and how they looked – what was not acceptable and what was. I remember thinking there was so much more to these women than what they saw in the mirror – but as I grew older, I too forgot this. As a teenager I got a lot of attention from friends and boys about my toned legs, tanned clear skin and thick long hair. Even though I didn’t fully accept this for myself, I saw how this got me attention and that was a good thing – so this is what I focussed on and would show to people. I would choose what to wear (not based on what felt lovely on my body or what I enjoyed wearing) but instead based on:
- What others were wearing and,
- What showed my legs off.
I judged for myself what parts of my body were okay and what parts were not – what got attention and what did not. However, still I didn’t show all of me.
But what would happen if my hot legs changed or my tanned skin paled or my clear skin had blemishes? What then? Where would that leave me? Without any part for me to identify with – to say this is who I am. The more I focussed on these things as being the most important, the more critical I became with my body. In my late teens and early twenties I struggled with bulimia and had a rigorous exercise programme to keep up with my picture of who I thought I was. After having my children, my body started to change – I developed adult acne, my hair thinned and my whole body in general changed shape. I didn’t know myself without these things and I became quite withdrawn and lacked confidence.
Over these past two years I have started to feel and acknowledge how hard and self-abusive I have been to my body, and about my body. I have felt the immense sadness of keeping who I really am hidden away, and not showing my natural gentleness, playfulness and beauty as woman.
I’ve noticed that the more I appreciate and discover the real beauty in myself, as a woman, the more I see and feel the beauty within others. I am feeling more and more now, that I have always been enough; and what it feels like to express from here.
It was inspiring listening to other women speak of their own experiences at this presentation. Watching faces and bodies become gentle and lovely: resonating with the truth they can feel in themselves what was being presented. And as more women opened up and shared their feelings, the more others felt inspired and encouraged to do the same.
As a result of what I have been learning about myself from these presentations, I’m putting myself on a ‘mini-programme’ – a programme of surrendering more deeply to the loveliness that I know I am inside, and not needing to do anything, or change; to either find it or have it. Stay tuned!
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