by Sarah C. London, UK
In the middle of my media career I felt that I wasn’t ‘contributing’ at all to the world and decided to take up part-time study for a Diploma in Childcare. The childcare industry’s definition of nurturing is “something that comes from outside the child, personal experiences / environment”.
Definition of Nurturing:
- Care for and encourage the growth or development of.
- Cherish (a hope, belief, or ambition).
- To feed, nourish (Middle French Origin 1300-50).
In the “Nature versus Nurture” study within childcare, Nature is referred to as “the individual’s innate qualities, hereditary”. These two factors are considered to be the core of caring for a child. At no point during this time did I feel that these qualities of caring, cherishing or nourishing ever applied to me.
To me, nurturing was having a massage or osteopathic treatment to release the tension in my neck and back because I was crippled with pain; having a manicure or pedicure with a girlfriend and a glass of champagne; going for a long, boozy lunch with friends; letting my hair down with drugs, alcohol and dancing; a couple of glasses of wine, chocolate and a joint after work because I’d had a hard day; eating an immense meal with friends; going for a long run or a long ocean swim.
I went straight to the solution that I thought was right, and these activities can be seen as ‘Nurturing’. They were on my checklist of things to do when I was stressed or over-worked, or as a reward after having a long, tough week at work. They all manufactured a state of ‘feeling better’. Nurturing is something that I do, something that is a last resort when I can’t take anymore, right?
And boy, did I take a lot over the years!
- Berating myself when I didn’t get the job.
- Comparing myself and jealous of other women when I didn’t get the man.
- Criticising myself when I didn’t get my hair right that day.
- Hating myself when I made a mistake at work.
- Manipulating myself to be more like another woman.
- Crashing through relationships with self-doubt and anxiousness.
- Fuelling emotional dramas and conflict.
- Judging myself when I’d put on a few pounds.
- Denigrating myself when I didn’t go for a run.
- Pushing myself even harder when I had my period.
- And – get this one – giving myself a hard time about how cruel I have been to others and myself over the years. Insane.
This was the way my mother treated herself, and so I chose and learned it as the way women are with themselves and others. There were other women around in my life, but the general overview was pretty much the same. Having worked in television, advertising and film for over 26 years I have observed that these are common themes women around me use to get through the day, week, year after year.
When I made a choice to take full responsibility for myself, I began to see myself as my own parent. At that point, Nurturing took on a whole new meaning.
I started observing women who treated themselves with deep tenderness and care – when these are not based on a reward or a checklist. There were women all around me that had self-care in little things that they did: how they spoke was different to what I had experienced in the past. Could there be another way? Seeing and experiencing the way they lived was an inspiration – and a revelation! What was that about?!
Even over the last two days I have discovered a new angle on Nurturing. I’ve started a Nurturing journal to keep track for myself of the little things I do during the day that I feel are nurturing for me.
Here are a few things I wanted to share with you – and they are a far cry from my previous ‘nurturing’ activities!
- Gentle exercise, swimming and stretching.
- Walking with tender love in my feet.
- Sitting down at my desk with deep care for my spine.
- Tender thoughts about myself and my beauty.
- Only eating when I am hungry.
- Being super gentle with myself when I make a mistake.
- Conversations with my glorious friends.
- Buying flowers for myself.
- Taking care of my finances.
- Honouring my body with rest when I need it.
- Slowing down and being tender with myself when I have my period.
Today, I live in a different world to years past. The self-abuse is long gone: I am learning every day that my definition of Nurturing is developing a way of caring for myself that is an impulse that naturally comes from my innate quality to care, nourish and cherish myself.