by Emily Billsborough, Wollongbar, Australia
As women we quite often can get caught up in looking outside of ourselves for attention or approval. This ‘seeking of approval’ is something that many of us get affected by in various ways throughout our lives. For example, we may seek approval from being recognised as the ‘best mother’ (or best wife, girlfriend, daughter); the ‘most attractive’, ‘smartest’, ‘most successful’ or ‘athletic woman’.
In the past I have felt that I was ‘not enough’. And I mainly sought attention or approval from men. It could be my partner (if I had one at the time), male friends, or in fact any young man around my age who caught my eye whilst I’d be walking down the street and whose directed attention could easily help make me feel better about myself…
It didn’t seem to matter how I received this attention or approval. It could be comments about what I was wearing, or how I looked; and even if the comment was spoken to me in a rude way, that didn’t matter since I still got the recognition I was seeking. But quite often I would end up feeling hurt knowing that these men didn’t truly care about me. They only saw how I looked or acted but never understood what or how I was really feeling inside. But nonetheless, their attentions towards me gave me a false confidence that ‘at least I was noticed or seen’…
I found that if I was feeling beautiful, or good about myself, or that I ‘was enough’, that it was mostly dependent upon external factors – such as the clothes I was wearing, my makeup, people’s comments on my looks etc… these could all ‘make me feel great’. It always seemed to be that I was putting out a certain way of being that would change depending on who was around and also how they wanted me to be, or look. This required a lot of effort and therefore I was constantly looking for those people to recognise me and my efforts in return.
As time went by, I began to realise that there was something missing. And I began to question for myself:
Why did I feel that I wasn’t I enough?
Why did I constantly feel that I needed to seek for attention outside of me?
Could it be that the ‘something’ I felt was missing was not actually obtainable ‘out there,’ with how I looked for example, but actually in here, inside of me?
After all, there were beautiful moments where I had felt very content. And in these special moments I remember not needing attention from any man or anyone, since I naturally felt myself to be amazing, even if this did only last for a short time…
Slowly it became clear to me that these ‘special’ moments only came about when I was choosing to look after myself. That these moments were when I was focussed solely on how I felt with no-one or anything from the outside influencing what I was feeling on the inside.
It is a slow process and I am still learning that every single choice that I make either confirms what I feel inside, or confirms the taken-in influences from the outside.
Over time I have developed everyday activities into an opportunity for them to confirm ME, since that is what is on the inside and is what feels true for me. For example: when I get dressed in the morning I dress in clothes that I feel to wear. And I no longer choose clothes based on what I think that others would like or believe I ‘should’ or ‘should not’ be wearing.
So if I am feeling particularly girly I may pick a dress that flows around me as I walk. And I may pick soft or silky materials that feel lovely on my skin. Or various colours according to my mood, or for specific purposes e.g. red or black as these colours look great against my fair skin… or perhaps sometimes blue to bring out the colour of my dark blue eyes.
These small and very simple choices have built a foundation for me to naturally know and feel without doubt that not only am I enough, but that I am amazing too!
Let’s face it – we are all truly amazing! I’ve now realised the fact that this ‘amazingness feeling’ doesn’t come from what anyone may say to you or compliment you on, but instead it is a feeling and a knowing that is already naturally inside of us, ready to be connected to at any moment.