by Mrs Sandra Wilson, Brisbane, Australia, Master of Arts (MA)
I am 67 years old and am only just starting to accept myself as a woman.
I have been the dutiful daughter, the faithful wife and the caring mother. I played hippie, athlete, academic, all in an attempt to find meaning in life. Rarely have I been simply who I am as a woman, without trying to live up to other people’s expectations and to my own impossible ideals of how a perfect person should be.
When I looked in the mirror, the image looked gaunt and wasted. It is only since attending Universal Medicine courses that I realised how this came about. I had put myself through many hardships in order to prove that I was as good as any man. I spent many a night in wet bunks on ocean racing boats; many a night sleeping out under the stars in wild country; rock climbing or looking for aboriginal cave paintings. I brought up two children in a remote area without power or running water. For me then, it was a challenging adventure, but it was fuelled by a desperate need for love…
When my younger brother was born, I was sent to kindergarten and my mum was so exhausted that she could not give me and my sister the same attention as she did before. Consequently, I formed the belief that if I were a boy she would love me more. I never wore dresses unless I had to and was most comfortable in sloppy clothes which did not reveal my shapely figure, particularly because, if I did, I attracted sexual attention.
I was dismayed when people commented on how feminine I looked.
I never realised how lovely I was until I revisited photos of myself as a young woman: I saw great sweetness and innocence but there was a haunting look of sadness in her eyes. I was sad because I was not connected to the love within me.
I saw that my impulse to nurture and care for others was partly coming from a projection of my need to love myself. I saw how out of balance I was – always giving and never allowing myself to receive. Even when someone gave me a compliment, I could not let it in and accept it – I would hear it and not believe it, and my body would brace as if under attack!
I could not let love in.
What Serge Benhayon, Founder of Universal Medicine (UniMed) was saying about the importance of self-love made perfect sense to me.
How can I truly nurture another if I am not looking after myself?
How can I possibly love another fully if I am not connected to the love within me?
I always thought that it was selfish to take time for me, and found it very hard to give myself the same loving care that I would so readily give to others. I would feel so guilty that even if I did go for a nurturing treatment for myself, I sabotaged it by being late or I would work hard to get things done just so I would deserve it. I was addicted to ‘Doing’. I believed that was the way to get approval from my parents…
When Natalie Benhayon, Universal Medicine Practitioner, suggested at a Women’s Group Presentation that we make time in the morning to honour and adore ourselves, I could not allow myself this time. I could see how Natalie herself was flowering as a beautiful woman and I heard what she said, but I must have blocked it out! It wasn’t until the next meeting that I was reminded of this when other women shared their experiences of how this ‘woman-time’ had transformed their lives. This touched me. I saw how the inner beauty was starting to shine through their faces.
Then I realised that I too can make a choice to create that space.
So I set aside time in the morning for me.
It felt great to do all the things I said I’d do “when I’ve got time”, such as; look after my hands and feet, moisturise my body, exfoliate my face and do some gentle exercise. I realised I had a certain momentum in my day from trying to do everything first so I could not have time for me.
Now there seems to be more space in the day because it starts from a self-loving foundation, and when I do things for others, it comes with this same quality.
By giving myself this space I broke the momentum of ‘Doing for Approval’ that was habitual for me.
Then something else happened:
I am looking in the mirror whilst I apply my moisturiser. I look deep into my eyes and I see Her – a profound stillness looking back at me through my eyes. I feel my whole body open to the exquisite beauty. It’s as if I am in my own womb but everywhere at the same time. I feel the power of ‘a Woman’, ‘of being a Woman’ – gentle but strong, poised and ready to express from the pregnant stillness within me.
It was only a short glimpse but it seemed like an eternity and the energy of it has transformed my body. I feel more connected to myself, less given to self-doubt, more in touch with the world in a real way, less need to withdraw – because the stillness that I was looking for ‘out there’ is actually here inside and within me. And when I connect to it I am at rest within, even though there is activity around me…
Now the image in the mirror is no longer gaunt and wasted, but alive and reflecting this back – my inner beauty.
How glad I am that I have re-connected with the essence and beauty of a Woman that I have always known was there – beneath the school-girl chatter, the house-wife gossip, and any career woman’s busy-ness…
Whenever I feel ‘not good enough’ or feel a need to ‘be someone’, I know I have dis-connected.
I know now that I have a choice to reconnect to the beauty-full woman that I am within, and as soon as I do, I return to a state of well-being and ease.
It’s like coming home again.