by Felicity
I have read many stories of reclaiming from this Women in Livingness blog, but was hesitant to offer one myself as I felt I wasn’t quite there yet; that other women were doing it, claiming it, that is – living confidently as true women. Then I had a simple but profound experience that showed me what I have let go of, and how I am more honoring of me.
Recently, I had to buy some new bathers and I felt a few long-term insecurities just sitting there under the surface. I had no intention of indulging them, but I knew they were there waiting for a chance to go on a rampage, if I allowed it.
I went to a shop and picked out a few swimsuits to try on. One felt wrong as soon as I put it on. In fact it was so wrong because it was designed to press so strongly on my body as if trying to twist my upper chest into an ideal ‘look’ according to someone else, which felt like it was controlling my shoulders in some kind of compression. It fitted ok, but that was not the point. It just felt so wrong on my body because… well, because it didn’t allow me to be me. How huge to allow myself to feel this!
In the past I would have over-ridden this and thought – the swimsuit was ‘right’ and my body was ‘wrong’. I would have listened to the swimsuit implying my breasts were too ‘breasty’ and my shoulders too ‘shouldery’. How ridiculous is the basis of our self-criticisms? My perception of me clashing with an ideal image would have triggered a shower of self-loathing. In years gone by, even shopping for a swimsuit was an ordeal. I would have been lost for hours trying to find the ‘right’ one too… I would have discounted many colors and styles, trying to find the elusive one that made up for what I was not. I rejected myself first, making it impossible to find the right one – a recipe for frustration and disappointment.
Not anymore! I have been incredibly inspired by the Esoteric Women’s Presentations that I have attended or read about. I love the fact that the first thing I learned was to reconnect to my feelings and to then honour them. I was inspired to start to view the world and its myriad of choices from the viewpoint of how I truly felt about it all. I started to uncover how much I had buried how I felt in order to suit an ideal image, or to keep others happy. I learned that negating myself was a problem: “what, really?”. Yes, I actually mattered, my feelings are worth honouring, and putting others or an ideal of what I should be first was actually hurting me. I have learned how much is expected of women from society, and how much we have allowed these expectations to dominate us. I have learned that there is a way forward, that I didn’t have to go on any mission to change the world though – it starts with something so simple as my honoring what I feel. What a revelation and how awesome to get to know this in my life and to live it this way.
I love the fact that I now have a feeling of contentment and acceptance about my body. It is actually beautiful. I deserve a swimsuit that celebrates it as it is! What a different way to go shopping with that basis! I never learned that at school or University, instead I learned how to get by in society and to do a job, but never did the subject of how to live as a woman get addressed, yet it would have helped more profoundly than anything else I studied.
In the end, I chose another swimsuit very easily and I felt so joyous at turning the tables on my previous habitual self-loathing and instead… chose to feel and honour me! That day I sent the insecurities packing. I love the ease, the joy of it and a sense of confidence I can feel blossoming within me.