I have had many experiences in my life where I felt that I was never good enough. It was like I could hear a silent language in everything and everyone around me, underlying or hidden in words or comments that were said to me, or in a gaze from someone’s eyes that came my way. Even ‘nice’ and ‘kind’ words that were spoken to me carried a silent language that there was something wrong with me.
I was either too outspoken or too withdrawn, too emotional, too sensitive or not sensitive enough, too abrupt, I was too serious, too blasé, too fat or too thin, too hard, too girly, not womanly, I didn’t listen or I wasn’t saying enough, I did too much or I didn’t do enough, I cried too much, I didn’t care enough, I was stuck up, I dressed too casual or I over dressed, I was selfish or I fussed over others too much, I never smiled or my smiles were fake, I demanded too much or my standards weren’t high enough…
Unfortunately I began to believe the silent language that came my way, and believed that there was something wrong with me – I was not beautiful, I was not precious, I was not a delicate yet power-full woman that I first felt myself to be. Then this feeling of ‘not being enough’ was the belief that I took with me into everything that I did and every relationship that I had, always making myself less.
Sometimes the things that were spoken to me did carry ‘some’ truth and they were things that I did do. But there was always a grander truth that was first missing! Despite anything that I do, express, say or how I move, how I eat, how I speak, what I wear, what job I have, how my body looks, or how I am in any moment – despite all of this – I am a beauty-full, wonder-full, loving, precious and deeply power-full woman! This is an absolute fact, and this can never be changed.
Why didn’t anyone ever say this to me with their silent language? Why was this not whispered into my ear ongoingly? Is this not what should be seen and felt and addressed first? The body language, the words, the gaze of someone’s eyes and the tone in their voice expressed to me in a way that is honoring and accepting of this beauty-full being that I am… why was this not my experience?
With the support of ‘Women in Livingness’ and ‘Esoteric Women’s Health’ presentations, writings and healing sessions, I have developed more self-love and a steadiness in me that will challenge the silent language that is telling me I am not enough, or I am less. I have discovered that the more I commit to being kind and loving with myself, choosing positive and accepting thoughts about myself, the more I take care of and nurture myself, the more I feel that I am actually enough. The way I eat, dress myself, take myself to bed, speak and even the way I ‘carry myself’ has changed to respect and appreciate the lovely women that I already am.
Now I am beginning to see that there is actually nothing wrong with me; I am the beauty-full, precious and adorable woman I first felt myself to be – and the silent language I have been hearing or seeing was wrong, and I can choose to not listen to it. However, I also realised that maybe I was only hearing and seeing this silent language of ‘being less or not enough’ because I was not claiming, accepting and honoring the fullness of me in the first place?
I had not held and carried my body in the preciousness it truly is, I had not expressed from the depth of my heavenly and powerful voice, my actions had not been grace-full and elegant in the way that my true body is, my self talk and self thoughts had not carried a claiming, strength and honoring of the beauty-full and equal women that I am, the way I dressed and fed myself had not been in an adoring way that was nurturing the tender woman that I am, and even my exercise routine had not been in a celebration of how beauty-full my body already is.
So I see, to not listen to the silent language or whispers in my ear that I am not enough, or even to stop this language altogether, all I need to do is claim the lovely woman that I truly am, already are, and always have been, and live in a way that constantly honors and nurtures this woman. Actually, it doesn’t even feel like I need to ‘do’ this or try to do or achieve anything in particular, but instead just ‘be’ me, and don’t listen to anything else outside of me.