by Kate Greenaway, Physiotherapist, Australia
Over the last 6 years I have been having Esoteric Breast Massages (EBM) from different fully qualified and trained practitioners with Universal Medicine. This is a wonderfully supportive and nurturing healing modality which has helped me let go of many old restrictive beliefs around what it is to be a woman and especially, a menopausal woman.
In my first few EBMs I was initially a little sceptical (coming from a traditional Health Science background) and very apprehensive. However, I was treated with such deep respect, care and love that I was able to start slowly letting go of old layers of holding and hardness in my body and feeling my loveliness under all of that. This healing modality is so honouring and nurturing, I felt so held that I let myself feel my natural tenderness, and gradually I was able to deepen my connection to my body and my breasts. I slowly warmed to my breasts and I can now say that I love their delicate nurturing nature and this has given me the gift of reconnecting to the true woman and the beauty that is me.
This is nothing short of a miracle for me. From when I was young I hated being a girl, I wanted to run around as a boy with my top off like my brothers did when we played. To me being a girl was weak and meaningless – boys and men had it all!!!!
So it followed that I hated my breasts and my body as a teenager, I felt awkward having very large breasts with a petite body. There was nowhere to hide! I had a 16 C cup with a size 8-10 body. I felt like I was all breasts and that they were the first thing people saw of me. I constantly slumped and wore baggy shirts to hide them – especially from the awful ogling eyes of young men and often even older men. They were so large that sometimes I had discomfort around my outer breasts and upper body after playing sport. I was so into sport and so disconnected from my body, that all I wanted was smaller breasts.
I am sure my parents were shocked when I told them at 18 that the first thing I would do for myself once I saved up, was to have a breast reduction operation.
By 19 I was studying Physiotherapy: sport and being active were everything to me, so with the support of my parents I had a breast reduction operation.
I was so determined and driven to have this, I am sure I presented it to them as, ‘this makes sense for my personal and physical well being’. I vaguely remember my mother talking to me about this choice, but as I was so shut down from me AND from her, I would not have listened to anything else she would have suggested. My parents were both in the medical field and they chose the most skilled surgeon they knew and supported me as practically and as tenderly as they could.
I remember that back then I was so detached from my body I was sure I would feel better about myself once my breasts were smaller. This choice I was about to make, for the reasons I had, was truly deeply disregarding, abusive and even de-womanising. I had no awareness that my larger breasts gave me an opportunity to be more gentle, more nurturing and less driven in my body. All I wanted was smaller practical breasts that fitted into my lifestyle. This choice came from not wanting to be a woman, it came from me feeling I don’t want to be that, I don’t want to know about that – just cut my breasts off! Seeing it now, how could having smaller breasts heal that total rejection of myself?
I was so shut down from my body that I did not even consider the surgeon’s words; that I may have remaining numbness in some of my breast and I might not be able to breast feed if I had children later in life.
According to medical standards the operation was a success and my smaller breasts did fit into my very driven life style – however, in hindsight this was not necessarily a good thing!
I have remaining numbness in my right breast and I remember as I write this the unbearably intense pain as the nurse dragged the 60 to 80 stitches out of each breast. I am crying now, feeling how I hardened – holding onto the bed frame to cope with the pain that seared through my body.
In my 20s I was very self-conscious of my scars. I would harden and shut down from my body and from my partner in intimate moments when I was being touched by him. Only in the last few years have I let go of both that reaction and the hurt of what I had done to myself. The deeper hurt of this total rejection of myself, and this self-abuse, is going too. The loving, delicate support of the EBMs has helped me feel that deep hurt and let go of the entrenched self loathing that went with it. By helping me feel my true tender and delicate nature, I know I am that – rather than the hurt and the negative self talk.
If I was 19 years old today, with how I now love the gentleness and delicateness of my body, I know I could not put my body through that operation. I would know that this loveliness inside me, is me – and it isn’t about the look or size of my breasts. I know I would have a deep appreciation of my large breasts and I would probably even celebrate my curvaceous cleavage!
To women who are considering breast operations that are optional and not because of disease and supporting their bodies’ healing – please stop and give yourself space to consider; where is this choice coming from?
Is it from wanting to feel more attractive, or more confident, or better in yourself? Or, when you feel into what this choice means for you and your breasts and your body, do you feel deeply content and complete in your body? If your body could talk (and it does in so many ways – just not in words!) would it say this choice is true and right for you? Or would it say, maybe stop a while and really feel if there is some ideal look or picture that is driving you to make this choice?
These years of Esoteric Breast Massages have allowed me to re-connect to the true woman I am. I can now feel, love and appreciate being in a woman’s body and how lovely it is to feel the tender delicateness of my breasts. The EBMs have helped me feel and appreciate the fullness of my breasts and the gorgeous curves of my whole body, and moreover, to let go of the fragmented way I viewed my body.
In the past I would coldly examine my breasts for lumps as a health check, but since having EBMs I feel my breasts in a very different way. Now, when I check for lumps, I massage them in a tender, curious, appreciative way – knowing how much they show me of how I have been living and moving in my body. Their delicate nature blows me away sometimes. They constantly show me whether I am connected to myself – or not! When I am more gentle with myself as I walk I can feel their delicate movement and warmth, and I have that same delicate warmth in my uterus/pelvic area. This encourages me to move in a smooth flowing way – enjoying my curves rather than walking in a hard functional way to get somewhere.
The EBMs have given me a whole new feeling to what it is to be an older woman – I feel more beautiful and content in my body now, more than ever before.
To all those amazing and inspiring EBM practitioners thank you so much for your unwavering support, wisdom and loving dedication to me and to all women.