By Leonne, Brisbane
Today I have been feeling incredibly distracted. I have been beginning task after task and feeling as though I am not getting anywhere at all. I have been able to feel that what I really want to do is write this blog but until this moment I have found a way to distract myself by doing everything but blog writing!
Distraction has been a theme throughout my life.
When I was in primary school (aged about 7 or 8) I received a report card that stated ‘Leonne is easily distracted and distracts others’. I remember feeling quite pleased about this; I did not like this particular teacher very much and I was glad she could tell that I did not find her particularly engaging. I was doubly happy that my ability to influence the behaviour of others had been confirmed by a grownup. I equated being a distraction with being entertaining, fun, influential and popular. Up until this point I had been a model student and I watched my parents closely for any reaction to this news about my behaviour, but there was no negative reaction and they seemed to think the comment was rather amusing. It is not surprising that the words ‘easily distracted’ and ‘distracts others’ appeared on many of my report cards over the next eight years!
I recently felt particularly unmotivated but aware that I really needed to get some things done. It was a Saturday morning so I decided to write a list of things that I would like to accomplish over the weekend. Instead of writing a traditional list from the top of the page to the bottom I took a blank sheet of paper and wrote my list all over the page in no particular order. Throughout the weekend I let myself look at the list and feel exactly what needed to be done at any given moment. To my surprise, my list of ‘things to do’ showed me that it was not about getting things done at all but about allowing myself to feel what to do and the quality that I bring to each thing I do. The following three examples demonstrate my point
1. I went grocery shopping. I took my time and enjoyed myself selecting the items that felt right. I felt completely comfortable being at the shopping centre… it felt great to be there. This was awesome for me to feel as in the past I have found that occasionally I have felt anxious and self conscious when entering a shopping centre on my own. I could feel that others were in a rush but I did not feel affected by their anxiousness and nervous energy: in fact, I found the people I encountered very considerate and caring. I felt that my calm and connected presence while shopping actually made people stop in their tracks and feel their need to rush.
I noticed that by taking my time, I remembered everything I needed. At one point I realised I missed something and had to go back 4 or 5 aisles but this felt like no problem at all. As I pushed my trolley through the crowded supermarket I felt the joy in being able to move through many people against the flow of traffic with grace. It was awesome.
2. I watched a movie and when it was done I felt it was time to have a shower and get dressed, but I decided not to. At the exact moment I chose not to act on what I had felt, I kicked my toe and spent the next hour hopping, cursing, laughing at myself and watching television on the couch in a bid to recover before having a shower and getting on with the day.
3. I felt it was time to update an online profile but this brought up some things that I did not want to feel so I decided to distract myself with something else. Once I chose to do this I did not feel the right moment to update my profile come around again… and so it remained as it was.
When I allowed myself to stop, feel and be in the moment, everything got easier. Things seemed to flow and I did not feel as attached to getting things done. When I looked at my list at the end of the weekend I could see that I had only completed around half of the things that I had wanted to. I could feel that this big ‘to do’ list was a representation of the amount of pressure I had put on myself to get things done and it was lovely to feel that letting go of my attachment to getting everything done was actually a great thing. I had listened to my body and done the things that felt right.
While I was writing this blog I have remained aware of my body. I have taken bathroom breaks and had a drink of water when I needed it. I also stepped away at one point as I could feel a pain in my shoulder that was letting me know I had gone into overdrive and had begun to feel pressure to complete the task at hand. At that point, nothing seemed to be flowing or working out. After a short break I felt ready to come back and continue working.
Over the past few years I have realised that being distracted isn’t always about procrastinating or getting off track. If I am completely engrossed and focussed on a project and do not come up for air until it is done, this is also a distraction. I know now that if I am focussed in truth I will always be aware of how I feel and how my body feels.
I have come to learn that for me, being distracted is about numbing myself to what I feel. When I look back I get a sense that I was distracted in class at primary school because I did not want to feel what was really going on. I can see now that I felt that my teacher did not like me very much, in fact I felt like she did not want to be teaching me or any of my classmates at all. I can feel the way I turned my inner ‘class clown’ into a more socially acceptable numbing drive to distract myself throughout university and in the workforce. When I numbed myself in drive I would always ignore what my body needed and was often sick and exhausted. My sickness and exhaustion resulted in a lack of productivity which would then make me drive myself to get things done – and so the cycle continued.
I no longer get report cards, but if I did they would say ‘Leonne is redeveloping her ability to feel what is presented in each and every moment. She approaches her work with a joy that is infectious and laughs often. She inspires others with her honesty and her commitment to her rhythm and the task at hand. Her commitment and dedication to her work and herself shows the power of committing to conscious presence and personal rhythms and she is becoming far more productive as a result. Well Done!’