I have spent a lot of my mothering time navigating my way through the rules, regulations and rights and wrongs of motherhood. It is an area of life that is so littered with ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’ and idealism and beliefs, that I felt it would be fun to shine a light on some of these motherhood myths:
MOTHERHOOD MYTH 1: Caring for myself is indulgent and selfish.
Now this is rampant in society, outside of motherhood as well as in and lots of us come into it with this belief deeply entrenched. Looking back I can see that I was brutal with myself and so dis-respectful, expecting to function on poor sleep, rubbish food, toxins and stimulants. I was aware of the saying that ‘you cannot look after others if you do not look after yourself’, but heard that as: do the minimum for yourself to keep functioning so that you can still look after others. It has taken me some time to break through and really know that I cannot share anything with others unless it is practiced and lived by me. If I want my children to care for themselves, they have to see me caring for myself first.
MOTHERHOOD MYTH 2: We are older and therefore wiser and should impart our knowledge to and teach our children.
I don’t know about you but I have definitely learnt more from children than I can ever aspire to teach them. I don’t mean knowledge and information, I mean through their living naturally as themselves, as children. They have forever knocked at the door of my falsely held beliefs (it has to be done this way because…the answer will be in this or that book…); challenging me to reconsider patterns of behaviour I live without realising.
For example, I was always told to finish everything on my plate. In principle that is OK: taking responsibility and avoiding unnecessary waste but what about when an adult has served the child the food, therefore imposing on them what they think they should eat? How in that situation does the child learn to feel for themselves, what and how much they should eat if it is just about clearing the plate? The opportunity is missed every day, every meal time, for the child to develop a strong respectful relationship with their body.
MOTHERHOOD MYTH 3: You cannot spoil your children by caring too much.
I worked in the National Health Service before I had children and was proud of my caring profession and skills. I planned on taking all of that and more to motherhood but this was still tainted with the brush from the first myth that good care for others meant self-sacrifice.
I do not mean here that we do not care for our children, that is absolutely our responsibility, but back to the question “Can you care too much?’ and I would answer ‘Yes’. I have often fallen into the trap of indulging my 3 sons. Whether it would be letting them stay up late for this or that or having extra time on a ‘screen’ of some sort. What I know now is that these represent short term gains for long term losses. I get let off the hook, the hassling stops, a moment more to finish whatever I am doing… but we all go deeper into a habit that does not feel what is right in the moment, what is really needed… an early night or some time together without distractions.
On a practical level, I have also noticed that my propensity to over care for the boys has got in the way of them learning valuable life skills. If I make their beds, do the laundry, clean, do all of the cooking and shopping etc., how do they get to learn? When do they get the opportunity to lovingly look after themselves?
MOTHERHOOD MYTH 4: Children come first.
There is a strong element of self-sacrifice in society’s view of mothering and too often martyrdom is celebrated. I have this habit of getting the kids to put on a jumper when I am cold. ‘Do what I say not what I do’, being the least effective form of teaching! What this reflects to my kids is that there is no substance behind what I say, that they run the show and that I come in second… more specifically that women come in second.
I have 3 boys – this is not a good set up for them. Again, I am not suggesting we do not care for our children but how about caring for ourselves alongside them? How about putting on my own jumper and offering them theirs or putting on my jumper and asking them to step outside and feel what layers they need? The effect of this is enormous:
- They see someone taking care of themselves, great example.
- They see a woman taking care of herself equally to them, great example.
- They are given the opportunity to care for themselves and to take responsibility.
- I am well cared for and therefore in good shape to do the job.
MOTHERHOOD MYTH 5: You can only mother if you have children of your own.
I now work in a school and realize that some of my ‘best’ mothering is done alongside children that are not my own. How we care for and nurture others is our mothering instinct and we all have it: women who do not have children, men and children. I watch children endlessly caring for each other. The natural tenderness of an honest word or a hand held. Yet we grow up being told that the art of motherhood is something out of reach that we need to learn from a book or seek the advice of experts. We are then pulled away from what is naturally within to a situation where we do not trust ourselves to look after our children without help. The belief then develops that only people who have children and have practiced the elusive art of mothering know how to do it.
Maybe sometimes the opposite is true. If we are caught in the caring too much, then it is often someone else who can shed light on a stuck or tricky situation with our children.
I know that for me, true motherhood is about letting go of habits, patterns and any motherhood myths I have picked up in my life that keep me looking outside of myself for answers, looking for role models and rules about what society expects from a mother. I am still reckless with my time, I am still at times my own worse critic, but what I love is that every day brings new opportunities to relinquish control and the need to get it right. When I slip into the rushing and the ‘oh my gosh there is so much to do’ mode of mothering I leave behind my most precious resource… me. Before we are mothers, we are women. A fact to be celebrated in its own right and with that established – we do what we do.
by Matilda Clark, Registered Midwife, Registered Nurse, Trainee Teacher