I was the Perfect Modern time Woman.
Travelling the world, successful, different not mainstream, fun to be with, partying lifestyle, good-looking and with a job that had the purpose to change the structures we live in and make the world a better place. Yet at the same time I was bored with life and could not see its deeper meaning. Getting older, having a family and importantly raising kids seemed to be the sole purpose to life, but I already did this back in my early twenties supporting my sister in bringing up her daughter, my niece. The role of ‘mothering’ came easily to me and felt very natural; I just loved taking care of little kids and babies. I enjoyed their easiness and calmness. But the event of my years’ later miscarriage offered me a different view and opened me up to the possibility of what true mothering and motherhood was, and that this first stemmed from a way in which I treated and looked after myself.
The Urge To Have My Own Biological Child
In my early thirties, prior to my miscarriage, I had been feeling an ‘emptiness’ developing within me and the urge to have my own child grew. The belief system of having to have children, because of being a woman, was there from a very young age and I always related the death of my baby brother with wanting to have children as I thought it was a way to help cope with the loss. I came to a deeper understanding that it was more to do with society’s belief and the imposition I had accepted, which was triggering this need to have a child of my own: that ‘you are not complete as a woman if you do not have children’; the ideal that ‘being a mother’ and in this particularly the biological experience of giving birth being the ultimate feeling and badge of womanhood.
However, when I got pregnant, and totally unexpectedly during a troubled time of my life it made me stop completely: I now had a valid reason to review my life. Immediately I stopped abusing my body; stopped drinking coffee, taking drugs, drinking alcohol, partying and started to notice how my body felt; what I truly felt and wanted to do. For example what I needed in the form of food and exercise for my body or that when feeling tired I allowed myself to be tired and stay at home, have a rest and not go out with friends.
I started to look after me.
It felt great and I felt connected to something I would call today a certain sacredness or ‘stillness’ and joy within myself being pregnant.
Miscarriage – Realising The Blessing
At the end of the third month I miscarried and felt that this sacred event and opportunity, which had allowed me ‘to be with me’ was taken away. Even though, the miscarriage felt physically ‘right’ and there was no trauma, in time I realised that it was not the baby itself I felt was ‘taken away from me’, but more the fact of how I was with myself. It was here I realised and felt that for me the pregnancy was an event which brought forth an attention towards an otherwise absent ingredient of self-care and self-love that had supported me towards seeing this.
Making the choice to start having a loving relationship with myself and specifically with my body – without carrying the responsibility for an unborn baby, was huge – as I realised that I could be just as responsible for myself less anyone else, and started to consider and see my miscarriage as a blessing more than anything.
The True Choice To Become A Mother
At that time I attended a workshop of Universal Medicine (UM) and felt truly supported in my new life choices I’d already taken. With UM I learned that the emptiness I experienced and felt came from a lack of self-love and self-care from all the constant focus on things I placed outside of myself, in certain roles or created identities fed by ideals and beliefs, such as ‘being a biological mother’.
I deepened my understanding of how imposing these societal behaviours and underlying belief systems are around masculine and feminine identities and was offered to truly feel, most importantly whether or not it was a true choice for me to become a biological mother in this life.
I had also realised that wanting to be a biological mother for me was a way of creating this special “family” of loved ones around me that will never leave me and thus would be providers of an “unconditional safe love”. Yet in this, I realised that such an entrenched belief lived by many, including myself, only means we hold and indeed love those inside the family line as more special, select, ‘exclusive’ or greater than anyone else outside it. I also felt that this belief became a way for me to avoid being fully committed to, and inclusive of all those outside ‘the blood family’ i.e. the rest of humanity.
True Mothering – The Facilitation Towards One’s Own Self-Love
Today I am married with two girls from my husband’s former relationship and truly enjoy being a mother to them. I no longer have the need of any biological identification because through deep self-care I express the love I have and hold for myself which then holds and supports them towards their own self-love as they journey into adulthood. This expression of mothering or true motherhood is without any ‘need’ created from having to have an identity or role, but more about facilitating the young to be the amazing love that they are through simple cherished self-care.
The miscarriage was an important stop sign and blessing in my life that supported me in how to truly relate to and care for myself and to evolve towards a deep understanding of true motherhood. I realised I had been ‘a mother’ to many kids around me, and that in its truest expression ‘mothering’ and motherhood is something I continue to enjoy, love and deeply cherish today.
by Anonymous