Category: ON RELATIONSHIPS

Comparison between Mothers and Daughters

~ womeninlivingness

As the story below shows, when comparison plays out between mothers and daughters, it creates a legacy that keeps women small, stunted and locked in worthlessness for generations.

Recently, a friend shared how her daughter-in-law to be was a beautiful young woman inside and out, but her mother was a little wacky. The three women went together to the bridal dress fitting and when the young bride-to-be drew the curtain back, it was breathtaking to behold her beauty – the glow and delicateness of her; she was gorgeous. My friend noticed how the young woman’s eyes went straight to her mother. When her mother remained silent, the young woman asked “Well, what do you think?” and the mother answered, “If you like it then that’s all that matters”. Born of comparison and jealousy, this comment was designed to crush.

Have we not all done some version of this to another woman, and been on the receiving end of it ourselves?

Continue reading “Comparison between Mothers and Daughters” →

Self-Worth: Honouring the Beautiful Woman I Am

~ womeninlivingness

As women we are coming more to understand and appreciate just how beautiful we really are and that this beauty shines brightly from the inside out. All we need do is allow ourselves to be open and live what feels natural to us in our everyday lives; claiming and confirming our self-worth.

We can nurture our bodies and ourselves by honouring what feels right and accept the way our bodies physically feel and look; we weren’t made to be perfect after all!

But why do we still find ourselves looking to others to acknowledge us or confirm our own beauty and self-worth before we accept ourselves in full? Continue reading “Self-Worth: Honouring the Beautiful Woman I Am” →

My Relationship with Me, Love and Tenderness

~ womeninlivingness

What’s in a relationship, who leads, and how or with what do they lead?

I’ve been with my partner for 6 years and used to blame him for quite a list of things, such as not being emotionally supportive, not understanding me, and not giving me what I thought I needed. I pretended to accept things as they were, even though I was secretly fuming with a poisonous resentment that was eating away at me and draining my energy. Like some kind of self-appointed martyr I assumed that I was always the one leading the way, moving us forward, pulling us up. I kept going round and round in a never-ending maze of mental confusion, wondering how I could ‘solve’ our relationship, as if it were an emotional crossword, the key to which always felt just out of my reach. If only I could spend every hour while I was asleep – as well as the daylight hours – thinking about it, then surely I could solve it, I thought to myself over and over. I went and spoke to counsellors, supposedly taking responsibility but subtly blaming my partner, and always frustrated at having to solve ‘our relationship’ by myself. But the relationship with me was where I needed to start…

Sorting Myself Out and Looking Within

As it turns out, there was no solving or fixing to be done – not mentally, at least. It sounds crazy to me now, but at the time I couldn’t see that first of all I needed to sort myself out – the last place on Earth I’d thought to look, because in my arrogance, I’d assumed I was getting along just fine: I wasn’t dying or debilitated by disease. But if I’d come down from my head and mental thoughts and into my body and feelings, I could have seen all the evidence telling me that, actually, things weren’t so great with me – and maybe that’s where I should start. For starters I felt just how anxious I was most of the time, but just thought that anxiety was who I was; part of my identity and something I’d have to put up with and learn to manage. I felt so sensitive and kept wishing other people would stop reacting so I wouldn’t have to react to their reactions! I was exhausting myself trying to perfect and control my external environment so that I could feel less stressed out. I only ever seemed to feel amazing when I’d done a brilliant piece of work, or was complimented on what I was wearing when I’d made the effort to dress up.

When I abandoned myself in stressful situations and let myself be owned and run by anxiety, I expected my partner to step in and rescue me, and got upset when he stood strong and didn’t pander to my emotional dramas. Now, finally, I’m beginning to take responsibility for myself, learning to stand firm and stay with myself rather than abandoning myself into an abyss of tears and overwhelm.

I realised from looking within that what I wanted from my relationship was what I’d being denying myself – a greater connection to myself and to others, tenderness, love and appreciation for myself as the amazing woman that I am.

Finding Tenderness and Love Within

I used to feel so frustrated at my partner for not treating me with the tenderness I felt I deserved and wasn’t receiving from him. But as my awareness of this fact grew and the heavy fog of emotional reaction began to clear, I started to question how loving I was being towards myself:

  • How could I expect anyone else to treat me tenderly, if I was beating myself up, being harsh on myself and pushing and driving myself with determination to do everything?
  • Why was I waiting for him to show me tenderness, gentleness and love first, instead of being and living all of those qualities myself?
  • What does love look like? – Is it aligning with my partner’s post-work bad mood, so that we can connect through it and I can feel good by ‘helping’ him? Or is it calling it out, and not allowing an insidious and negative energy to run through our home and end with me feeling tension and stress in my body.

Tender ME; Our Tender Relationship

Now I’m starting to let go of the control and experiment with what happens when I take the lead by being myself – truly tender and gentle – first.

How much more amazing would I feel and could our relationship be, if I could hold this love and tenderness within myself no matter what, rather than lose myself in reaction and judgment to his reactions, knowing that I am more than enough as I am already?

What has happened has been a true transformation of our relationship from blame and resentment to a deepening of our love and appreciation. There have been uncomfortable confrontational moments as I re-learn to stand up for myself and express what I’m truly feeling, instead of acting out the safe and known pandering routine. But also there has been more tenderness, gentleness and consistent connection. And most of all there’s a stronger and growing deeper love and respect for myself in expressing and leading from my heart, and feeling how incredible it is to be the powerful, graceful and truly tender woman that I am finally allowing myself to be, and in my relationship too.

by Anonymous, UK

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Finding The One: The Waltz of Romantic Idealism

~ womeninlivingness

I have recently been looking at some of my romantic notions and their origins so that I could choose what to keep and what to let go as I move forward in my life. Contemplating my former addiction to Jane Austen novels and, of course, Mr Darcy, together with my unceasing search for the one, lead me back to my very early childhood and the many times I danced with my Father.

My Dad assures me he used to sing to me and dance with me as a baby and I recall feeling a great sorrow around age 9 when suddenly there was no longer the physical affection there had been prior to this time. When my Dad started to waltz with me as a teenager, this seemed to me a return to those times of warmth and affection. I enjoyed the feeling of being nestled in his arms, although I was advised quite often it’s the man who takes the lead.

Reflecting on these early experiences revealed a surprisingly large can of emotional worms.

Continue reading “Finding The One: The Waltz of Romantic Idealism” →

True Mothering – from a Daughter’s Perspective

~ womeninlivingness

When I was a small child I held a connection with my mother like nobody else. For the first 5 days of my life it was just her and I in a hospital room, all the staff and nurses simply left us to be with each other knowing I was the 4th child born in the family and that mum knew exactly how to be with her new born.

I knew what love was, it was the warmth my mother wrapped me in with her eyes, as well as the swaddled and delicate way she held me. She cared for me unreservedly, and from the very beginning I knew I was supported to simply be myself.

Then I began to mother my own mother… Continue reading “True Mothering – from a Daughter’s Perspective” →

My Relationship with my Mother

~ womeninlivingness
My Relationship with my Mother
My  favourite photo of my Mum and I…

This is my favourite photo of my Mum and I. We simply adored each other and I had a very close relationship with my mother in many ways. She was the person I went to when the world made no sense, for she listened, truly listened. With her depth of understanding and wisdom she was naturally supportive to others in the same way. She never told you what to do she simply listened. I treasure what she brought to me, which made it difficult to be honest about the hurt I felt during all the other times when she was unable to meet me and receive the true joy I felt at being alive and present in the world. Continue reading “My Relationship with my Mother” →

Miscarriage – The Blessing That Opened Me Up To True Motherhood

~ womeninlivingness

I was the Perfect Modern time Woman.

Travelling the world, successful, different not mainstream, fun to be with, partying lifestyle, good-looking and with a job that had the purpose to change the structures we live in and make the world a better place. Yet at the same time I was bored with life and could not see its deeper meaning. Getting older, having a family and importantly raising kids seemed to be the sole purpose to life, but I already did this back in my early twenties supporting my sister in bringing up her daughter, my niece. The role of ‘mothering’ came easily to me and felt very natural; I just loved taking care of little kids and babies. I enjoyed their easiness and calmness. But the event of my years’ later miscarriage offered me a different view and opened me up to the possibility of what true mothering and motherhood was, and that this first stemmed from a way in which I treated and looked after myself. Continue reading “Miscarriage – The Blessing That Opened Me Up To True Motherhood” →

A True Woman: Surrendering To My Tenderness

~ womeninlivingness

Over the past couple of years I have listened to various presentations by Universal Medicine in relation to what it means to be a ‘true woman’… that we as women have innate qualities of tenderness, preciousness and even sacredness within us – if we choose to surrender to them.

I have had moments of these qualities, which although amazing to feel at the time, they have not been part of my everyday experience or way of living. In fact, feeling these qualities so infrequently has only exposed more of the exact opposite in my body and the way I have been living. Continue reading “A True Woman: Surrendering To My Tenderness” →

5 Motherhood Myths

~ womeninlivingness

I have spent a lot of my mothering time navigating my way through the rules, regulations and rights and wrongs of motherhood. It is an area of life that is so littered with ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’ and idealism and beliefs, that I felt it would be fun to shine a light on some of these motherhood myths:

MOTHERHOOD MYTH 1: Caring for myself is indulgent and selfish.

Now this is rampant in society, outside of motherhood as well as in and lots of us come into it with this belief deeply entrenched. Looking back I can see that I was brutal with myself and so dis-respectful, expecting to function on poor sleep, rubbish food, toxins and stimulants. I was aware of the saying that ‘you cannot look after others if you do not look after yourself’, but heard that as: do the minimum for yourself to keep functioning so that you can still look after others. It has taken me some time to break through and really know that I cannot share anything with others unless it is practiced and lived by me. If I want my children to care for themselves, they have to see me caring for myself first. Continue reading “5 Motherhood Myths” →